NPR: When One Sibling is Developmentally Disabled

..."Of course, there are no good terms: special needs, intellectually disabled, mentally retarded, brain damaged. The labels range from euphemistic to offensive. The best seem clinical and unemotional, as if not to burden anyone with the real difficulties behind the phrases.

But Cecily manages very well. She lives semi-independently in a community for people with developmental disabilities. She holds a full-time job caring for severely disabled people. Once a week she does what she loves best, helping in a kindergarten. She cooks and shops and watches movies on a DVD player with her nose practically touching the screen."

When One Sibling Is Developmentally Disabled by DAPHNE BEAL

Maya Angelou: Poetry in Self-Defense

Maya Angelou - a longtime favorite of mine. I was elated when she spoke my freshman year at Duke. 
I nearly perfected a brief impersonation, including her speech's catch phrase: "go out and get it." She started that speech singing a hymn, a prayer in Hebrew, and a spiritual. In the Duke Chapel. 


NPR did a piece this morning with Dr. Angelou to speak about her new cook book. The best part was her recitation of one of my favorite poems:


The Health-Food Diner

No sprouted wheat and soya shoots
And Brussels in a cake,
Carrot straw and spinach raw,
(Today, I need a steak).

Not thick brown rice and rice pilaw
Or mushrooms creamed on toast,
Turnips mashed and parsnips hashed,
(I'm dreaming of a roast).

Health-food folks around the world
Are thinned by anxious zeal,
They look for help in seafood kelp
(I count on breaded veal).

No smoking signs, raw mustard greens,
Zucchini by the ton,
Uncooked kale and bodies frail
Are sure to make me run

to

Loins of pork and chicken thighs
And standing rib, so prime,
Pork chops brown and fresh ground round
(I crave them all the time).

Irish stews and boiled corned beef
and hot dogs by the scores,
or any place that saves a space
For smoking carnivores.

1983 by Dr. Maya Angelou

You can hear the story behind this poem in the piece by NPR. 

A Sad Tale, An Uplifting Finish: What Used to Happen to Children with Disabilities

"It Wasn't Until His Parents Died That Jeff Daly Learned What Happened to His Younger Sister Who Disappeared 47 Years Earlier"

CBS Sunday Morning piece: Where's Molly?

Where's Molly Website - Trailer for Documentary

You can learn about how Denver is helping families of children with disabilities (and adults with disabilities and traumatic brain injuries) by visiting Denver Options' website.

Couples Counseling Done Well: An Important Read for Therapists & Clients

HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARITAL HEALTH by William J. Doherty, PhD from Smart Marriages CONFERENCE, JULY 3, 1999


A sample: 
"People considering therapy should learn to ask questions to learn about the therapist's training and value orientation. They can ask a therapist on the phone or in the first session the following kinds of questions:

• "Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?" If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can't point to a significant education in this work, then consider going elsewhere.

• "What is your attitude toward salvaging a trouble marriage versus helping couples break up?" If the therapist says he or she is "neutral," or "I don't try to save marriage, I try to help people" look elsewhere. (I'd also run if the therapist says he or she does not believe in divorce.)

• "What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?" If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere."

Two Sides to Infidelity, "And both, frankly, are awful."

The Modern Love column from the New York Times gives another insightful, challenging piece by Wendy Plump; this one explores the two agonizing sides of infidelity.

"Start, I suggested to her, by picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.

I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. If you believed they did, your stomach wouldn’t drop on your way out the door to your lover’s. You wouldn’t feel the need to shower before climbing into the marital bed after a liaison. You wouldn’t feel like a train had struck you in the back when your son asked why you forgot his lacrosse game the other day." 

A Roomful of Yearning and Regret, by Wendy Plump

Power of Two Marriage Enrichment

Power of Two Marriage Skills Workshop - A great resource with tons of information, activities and skills.
"-Teaches you how to stop fighting.
-Improves communication, builds trust & enhances intimacy.
-Includes videos, podcasts, worksheets, and interactive exercises.
-Works on your own schedule, alone or with your partner.
-Is for couples at all stages -- dating, engaged or married for years.
Power of Two Online is a cost effective way to enrich your relationship and an excellent alternative to therapy."

Read a review here by Leslie Juvin on LiveLoveLeslie.

A Cure for HIV? Hallelujah

'Let's bottle up that magic potion and get it shipped! How exciting that millions of mothers and babies in Africa dying of AIDS will soon be cured. How exciting that we won't lose another generation of young gay men and MSM in the US to AIDS.'

I was stunned to read the dramatic and simplistic headlines that a cure has been found for HIV.

A friend wrote and asked, "News or Tabloid?"

Unfortunately, both. The headlines, as we've come to expect are attention-grabbing tabloid-worthy voids of tangible information. One of the central points not just ignored or overlooked, but buried, by so many news sources was the challenge of replicability. There were so many spontaneous, unpredictable factors that played a contributing role in this specific case and limiting factors, especially eligible matches found in time, that replicability is a long way off. One cured patient, as brilliant and exciting and newsworthy as that is, does not give media license to portray it as easy and accessible as a vaccine. That misinformation leads to dismissal - well, that one's cured, we can stop paying attention; there's a cure for it now, so safer-sex is out.

So far, the best explanation of how doctors in Berlin cured a man of HIV comes from WebMD. If you come across other non-hysterical, respectable descriptions, please let me know.

Bullying: "A dark, vicious side of adolescence" and Parents Feel Lost

Bullying in the 21st Century is more often than not Cyberbullying; bullying will never be just 'a fact of life' nor a natural part of growing up. 


"This is a dark, vicious side of adolescence, enabled and magnified by technology. Yet because so many horrified parents are bewildered by the technology, they think they are helpless to address the problems it engenders."


Bullying in person is damaging enough. Bullying on the internet is particularly detrimental for several reasons: it can be more subtle -fleeting IM comments- and it can be more flagrant -manipulated photos on Facebook; it is enduring and relentless - kids keep going back to it, revisiting it, and are reminded of it over and over; and children often bear the shame in silence, without witnesses to intervene or help support them after incidents. Parents can't as easily see what's happening when their child is being bullied behind the computer screen as they can when they're watching their kids play together on the field.


I struggle to keep up with technology and I'm a bit relieved when I find people, usually older than me, having a harder time than I am. Parents though no longer have the luxury of not keeping up. Staying cognizant of their child's development and well-being now requires them to be tech-savvy, whether it's reading their homework assignments and grades online or keeping up with their whereabouts by text. 


Engaging children in conversation, helping them speak openly about their experiences in adolescence can lay the groundwork for them to come forward when they're being bullied. Feeling empowered when things are going well will help them act empowered when things go poorly, like when a 'friend' calls them 'a fat bitch' on their Facebook profile. 


If you are among the many who feel overwhelmed by the lightning speed of technology's advances and you struggle to keep up to protect your children from cyberbullying, there are resources in your community, there are websites, and lectures, and meetings at your neighborhood school. If you need help finding them, please reach out and ask; you'll be a model for your child, so when he or she needs help, they'll know how to reach out and ask for it. Bullying is a crime and it is not 'just part of growing up.' 


The New York Times offers this impressive look at the struggle to keep up as the struggles and intricacies of childhood get played out in the social media and ever advancing technology.


As Bullies Go Digital, Parents Play Catch-Up by Jan Hoffman, published Dec. 4, 2010


Each of the underlined words above will lead you to a helpful website for more information. Please check them out. 


Here are some links specific to anti-LGBT bullying: 


GLSEN Anti-Bullying Resources GLSEN focuses on ensuring safe schools for all students.


The Trevor Project: Local Resources page The Trevor Project is the leading national organization focused on crisis and suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth.


Or you can just click here to instantly google 'anti-bullying resources.'

Like Autism, Attention Deficit Disorders fall on a Spectrum

Like Autism, Attention Deficit Disorders fall on a Spectrum, and should each be addressed individually with a unique combination of behavioral, emotional and if need be medicinal interventions. I tend to lean towards behavioral and emotional interventions when possible. Even when medicinal options are chosen, as they can be very effective, it's important to continue to pursue behavioral interventions to bolster and solidify the results from the medicine.

However relief and a return to productivity are accomplished, the cultural swing towards dismissing the impact of ADD/ADHD is a disservice to those who would benefit from real intervention but are missing out because it's so easy to blame the fractured attention patterns of our technology filled days. Texting and gaming are not stealing our attention spans. They may be modifying how we devote our attention; I'm not convinced they are to blame for ADD/ADHD - nor that limiting them significantly would have a significant impact on ADD/ADHD cases.

The NYTimes had an interesting article recently. I welcome your feedback on the topic.

You are my partner. You are not my adversary.

The number one predictor for divorce is avoidance of conflict; couples are served much better by doing the difficult work, helping each other trudge through the tension and animosity of their unavoidable conflicts. This tough work becomes an accomplishment; couples become stronger in their collaboration to manage conflict, rather than growing apart as they avoid each other to avoid the stress of disagreement and discord.

Couples can learn new communication skills to help them resolve conflicts, new language to work through misunderstandings. Couples can practice omitting bad habits from their language, like the discrediting ‘but.’ They still struggle to anticipate the established traps where their adrenaline spikes and they react negatively to their partner. When they can head that response off at the pass, they can choose other maneuvers to get through a tough conversation. It’s about working together to identify bad habits and replace them with good habits. Working together happens without animosity or resentment, being open to learning from your partner.

Once couples identify the comments, the tone, the body language that sparks the fighting - the moment their ears feel hot, they avert their eyes - the real work begins. They can go with the ingrained response of offering counter-points and arguing differing views. Or, they can remember to first pursue a compassionate view, asking, “What leads my partner to view the situation that way? What are the pieces I agree with in what my partner’s saying?” One can learn so much by asking explicitly, “Please help me understand your perspective.” If nothing else, an open-ended question gives you a moment to re-consider responding provocatively: “No, you don’t.” “You always say that.” “We never go out with my friends.”

Another great strategy in this moment is to remember that your partner is not your adversary. Say out loud to your partner, “You are my partner. You are not my enemy. I want what is best for both of us.” The adversary is the undesirable outcome. The goal is a mutually beneficial outcome where you each get as much of what you want as possible and end up feeling successful and rewarded in your partnership.

Once you’ve re-established a new pattern where you once jumped right into angry conflict, or fled from conflict altogether, your conversations can be more productive and less contentious. You can treat it as a building block, practice it actively as a team, and slowly build in more new language that is collaborative.