Foster Teen: 'I Needed Emotional Support, Not Medication'

Locked in a Psychiatric Ward; Forced to take meds he doesn't need.

"The next stop we made was a psychiatric hospital for kids. We went through door after door, and it dawned on me that every door had a lock. Once the door shut you couldn’t open it. The doors locked you in. They intended to keep me here. That realization gave me a panic attack. I started running and the security tackled me. I was forcibly dragged in."

How Effective is Your Marriage Therapy?

Here's a set of questions to help you figure out if your therapist is giving you what you need to end up with a truly strong and loving partnership.

Generosity Essential to Fulfilling Relationships

The Generous Marriage

By TARA PARKER-POPE

December 8, 2011, 7:00 AM

"Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project."

Does Cooperation Really Matter in Marriage?

Does Cooperation Really Matter in Marriage? Learning cooperative marriage skills predicts a lasting marriage. 
Published on November 10, 2011 
by Susan Heitler, Ph.D. in Resolution, Not Conflict

How a dog can help your autistic child

How a dog can help your autistic child

Isolation for Rejuvenation, uncomfortable and profound

Getting Far, Far Away From It All

By HILARY STOUT

Published: December 2, 2011

Above is a link to a great intro article to the growing practice of isolating retreats. A wonderful read. 

One aspect that catches my attention is that much of what is described here is similar to what people tend to imagine their vacations will be. Truth is, vacations are seldom calm, isolated, awareness and mindfulness building affairs. Even when it's to a far-flung, desolate beach. 

This is no vacation. This is hard work. As is stated in the article, it is troubling and challenging to separate. It can be disorienting, even physiologically. It shifts world-views, relationships and perspectives. 

And the rapprochement can be delicate, if not strained, returning to old routines, past relationships with new scaffolding, efforts to re-shape them on re-discovered, or newly discovered needs. 

Apps for Children with Autism

Having tried to find some good apps for a friend's ipad to help her son with autism, I know it can be frustrating to find the apps that are good and worth the money: educational, engaging, improve communication, teach emotions, etc.
A list of some websites that provide reviews of quality apps for children with Autism was published today on Gadgetwise from the NYT. You can read it here.

"Researchers find a country's wealth correlates with its collective knowledge"

A friend recently forwarded to me a brief article that describes new research on the correlation between economic complexity and prosperity - communal knowledge and economic success. 


"The researchers, led by Ricardo Hausmann, director of Harvard’s Center for International Development and former Minister of Planning for Venezuela, and Cesar A. Hidalgo, assistant professor at MIT’s Media Laboratory and faculty associate at Harvard’s Center for International Development, have published a book called The Atlas of Economic Complexity. Starting today, the book is free to download at http://atlas.media.mit.edu."


“The total amount of knowledge embedded in a hunter-gatherer society is not very different from that which is embedded in each one of its members,” the researchers write in their book. “The secret of modern societies is not that each person holds much more productive knowledge than those in a more traditional society. The secret to modernity is that we collectively use large volumes of knowledge, while each one of us holds only a few bits of it. Society functions because its members form webs that allow them to specialize and share their knowledge with others.” 

Notes on Officiating

A few weeks ago, I had the honor of officiating my cousin's wedding in Baltimore. It was on the sixth anniversary of my brother's wedding, at which I also officiated. In preparing the ceremony, one that I wrote from scratch with the help of my cousin and his fiancee, I asked friends and family what they remember as the most memorable parts of their wedding ceremonies, or those they had recently attended and even officiated.

The most common response was the parts of the ceremony where the quality of the couple's relationship clearly shines through. To help me capture the quality and history of their ten years together, my cousin, Drew and his fiancee, Eleni, came out to visit me for a long weekend. We spent our time hiking, visiting the gardens, and reflecting on their relationship. I was able to ask them exploratory questions that got them to reflect and speak openly about how they developed their relationship, how they fell in love, and how they work so well together.

As I said in the ceremony, part of what struck me about their relationship is their ability to grow with each other and because of each other. At their suggestion, we used a quote from Vincent van Gogh to illustrate this: “And there is the same difference between someone who is in love and what he was like before as there is between a lamp that is lit and one that is not. The lamp was there all the time and was a good lamp, and now it is giving light and that is its true function.” 


It seems to be a remarkable indicator of resilience and fulfillment when a couple can mutually reinforce their individualities, help each other glow more brightly, as they foster their partnership. Drew & Eleni do this in encouraging each other's individual passions and in sharing their passions supportively. They find joy in returning to each other and recounting their adventures together. They also find great reward in helping each other to appreciate and enjoy their passions together. 


Another essential aspect of the ceremony that Drew and Eleni wanted to capture was the powerful impact their families and friends have had and continue to have on their relationship. To help illustrate how important this is to Drew and Eleni and to help their gathered families and friends re-invigorate their commitment to fostering the enduring relationship, we asked the community to stand at the end of the ceremony. The bride and groom faced all those gathered. And in response to my calling upon them to affirm their commitment to encourage, love and support Drew & Eleni into the future, they all proclaimed, "We do." 


It was a profound and moving moment in which the community was actively involved in the ceremony. They were able to commit to stay involved in the couple's life, bearing witness and helping bear responsibility for their well-being.   


I was thrilled we captured the richness and joy of their relationship. What a tremendous honor to be called upon to officiate. 


It's also worth checking out the venue, the library at the Peabody Institute in Baltimore. Here's a link to some photos and some history. Here's another striking photo. 

Find Praise for your Praise in Resilient Children

New research over the last few years is indicating that the nature and quality of parental praise is as important as the presence of praise itself. Just like most activities of parenting, there are scales of quality and room for growth. No one is born a good parent; it's important to remain open to the idea that we can always improve our parenting. This means freeing ourselves from self-castigation when we mess up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable - ready to admit an underwhelming performance and accepting of new strategies to try out.

Many of us are trained by past modeling to praise children for inherent capacities like being smart or pretty. Research is now indicating that children raised on this type of praise are more likely to end up under-achieving and more likely to give up early. Children who are given praise based on their performance, their attempts, their effort and their actions seem to grow up more resilient, more persistent, more willing to take risks and learn from their less than stellar performances.

A recent post on the Motherlode blog at the NYT in response to a NY Magazine article discusses this briefly and gives a succinct summary of some of this new research by Carol Dweck of Stanford.

The mention of Dweck's work reminded me of the first chapter of Nurture Shock by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman. Here, the authors go into a bit more depth. They illustrate that a widespread parenting practice of the last few decades has been based on the presumption that convincing kids they are inherently smart will help them tackle daunting academic challenges. Actually, this kind of praise might be convincing kids to shy away from unfamiliar territory for fear of not doing well.

Dweck gives a clear summary of her results in saying, "Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control. They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."

So what are some helpful ingredients to effective praise?
1. Praise needs to be specific, about a child's positive actions - even just naming them - "You put a lot of effort into your homework tonight."
2. Praise should be sincere in tone and veracity, based on a child's effort, skill or talent.
3. Excessive praise may overwhelm intrinsic reward. Use it judiciously, or children might perform for praise alone.
4. Upon under-achievement, provide supportive action steps to improve performance. Avoid broad, empty promises like "you'll do better next time."

With this new research and some tweaking to your praising strategies, you can have a direct impact on your children's resilience and perseverance, two powerful indicators of achievement.

As your children grow to be self-motivated, independent, successful young adults, feel free to take their development as sincere, specific, meaningful praise for all your parenting efforts!

Childproofing: Crawling Your Way to Safety

Childproofing: Crawling Your Way to Safety (Click title at left to link to article)

"...if you get your childproofing advice from friends, don’t trust everything you hear. That’s because childproofing has changed in recent years, both in the products offered and in the household hazards parents face. So, families with older children are working with yesterday’s ideas."


New York Times, BOB TEDESCHI, October 26, 2011

Poignant & Profound: "Notes From a Dragon Mom"

Who am I to offer response? Rather, simply, l'chaim and gratitude for the strength of parents who can be so brave: 

Notes From a Dragon Mom

By EMILY RAPP

Published: October 15, 2011

Skype Therapy?

The New York Times published a brief article Sept 23 by Jan Hoffman entitled, "When Your Therapist Is Only a Click Away." It scratches the surface of the new practice of talk therapy by Skype or video conferencing.

It can be very helpful when distance (clients in rural areas) and accessibility (clients with disabilities getting therapy in their own homes) are problems. It still raises concerns about privacy, efficacy and connectivity - what happens when the connection fades out at a crucial, vulnerable moment? Well worth a read - you can find it here.

Dr. Heitler's new blog, "Resolution, Not Conflict"

Dr. Heitler writes about the three levels of intervention in couples counseling and conflict resolution in her new blog on PsychologyToday.com

Check it out here.

Thank you for the attribution, Dr. Heitler.

Dr. Heitler's "EFFECTIVE APOLOGIES: A QUICK GUIDE TO THE KEY INGREDIENTS"

Dr. Heitler's "EFFECTIVE APOLOGIES: A QUICK GUIDE TO THE KEY INGREDIENTS"

Check it out and see her worksheet at this link.

Dr. Heitler's "THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE?"

"All too often, hurtful words slip inadvertently from our mouths.  Sometimes we genuinely meant no harm.  At other times it’s worth checking in with our quiet voices.  Did we in fact mean to poke or jab?  And if so, why? 

Freud wrote about jokes, saying that they really do tend to rest on subconscious truths.  “I was just kidding!”  seldom is fully true. "

Read the rest and find a helpful worksheet here

One of my father's mentors, Dr. Eugene Stead, Jr.

"Patients come to doctors with complex problems. Have peace with them. Identify with the patient and not with his disease." Dr. Eugene Stead, Jr.

Dr. Stead had a profound effect on my father. My father works to ensure that the compassion, thoughtfulness and expertise Dr. Stead bestowed on him is passed on to his sons.

My father gave me a book of Steadisms, Just Say For Me. While Dr. Stead's focus was medical health care, so much of what he says applies easily to my work, mental health care. Much of his focus is on the whole patient in all his or her complexity and dynamism; he is also sure to focus on the person, not the disease. Both of these are certainly essential aspects of care when the presenting problem is anxiety, depression or conflict rather tachycardia or COPD. These ideals are particularly pertinent to my work and deeply grounded in the way my father speaks of his work and his hopes for my therapy practice. Here are a few more Steadisms that speak to my work:

"Long after the fever is gone changes in structure may persist. It should be obvious that people don't get well all at once. In a sick person many changes take place that require some time to return to normal. It has always intrigued me that so many doctors hold on to the naive notion that once an underlying defect is controlled, the patient is well."

"A doctor makes a mistake if he thinks he knows more about a patient than the patient does himself."

"Tact, sympathy and understanding are expected of the physician for the patient is no mere collection of symptoms  signs, disordered functions, damaged organs and disturbed emotions. He is human, fearful and hopeful, seeking relief, help and reassurance. To the physician, as to the anthropologist, nothing human is strange or repulsive. He cares for people because he cares for them."

"A physician must have great tolerance for he sees people at their worst."

"I have always felt the important question is how much health is there, rather than how much illness there is."

Embracing Otherness, Managing Our Selves

In Thandie Newton's recent Ted Talk, she discusses her experience of Otherness and her exploration of Self. She comments on her rejected, unruly, dysfunctional Self and ways in which her pursuit of Awareness and Oneness helps her control her Self and find fulfillment. Some of the ideas she discusses I find provocative and some informative, some inspirational and some disturbing. I am working to formulate some thoughts and questions, pursuing answers as I won't pretend to have any. I welcome your feedback and reactions.

Oneness of the universe outside of our isolating Selves. She mentions that obtaining Oneness with the universe and our fellow humans is powerful and beneficial. She does not follow through by revealing what she sees as the benefits, positive attributes and rewards in doing so. It's left with the same ambiguity as in the traditional pursuit of heaven. I would like to hear her talk about the Oneness of Community in the present. In this, she also discredits the positive values of Self and seems to limit her representation of Self in a negative, problematic schema. I find this troubling as a psychotherapist. I'm not sure that Self has to be seen as positive or negative when it can be both and always in flux as Self is shaped by our ongoing experiences in the world.

"Bountiful Nothingness." One of the more problematic lines I hear in this is about her call to destroy our Selves in blind pursuit of Oneness and connection with the Universe. She says, "Imagine what kind of existence we can have if we honor the inevitable death of Self, appreciate the privilege of life, and marvel at what comes next. Simple Awareness is where it begins."

I agree. Life becomes richer, more fulfilling and conducive to thriving when we are Aware and practice Mindfulness. At the same time, I have yet to find anything simple about building Awareness.

How does she propose we honor the death of our Selves? I am uncomfortable hearing her discuss and promote the 'death' of our Selves, both for its provocative language and the idea that this dismisses our control, management, manipulation and relationship with our Selves. Identity development is an ongoing struggle and pursuit for most people. I'm not sure I can fully agree with the idea that Self must be disbanded for Awareness and Connection, Nirvana, Enlightenment. I imagine there can be a positive, interactive relationship through identity development with our Selves in pursuit of these higher goals.

How does she propose we marvel at what comes next? Especially if our existence is through the lens of our Selves, which she only credits as a projection, and not an enriched, engaging experiential dynamic. What does she imagine comes next? Ultimate universal connectedness, it seems. And what are we to cherish so much in that idea that makes it more appealing than the height of beautiful 'Here and Now' inter-connectivity with the humans we encounter every day?

This idea, coupled with my mother's lesson of 'Heaven is the legacy you leave behind,' is what enables me to smile, engage, help, reach out to and reciprocate with the clients, family, friends and strangers I encounter every day. This is what leads me to the heights of fulfillment, the flow (losing oneself in activity) and the sense of thriving I feel most days in my current life, with my developed and developing Self.

I encourage and welcome your responses.

Couples Therapists Reveal: 15 Lessons I’ve Learned About Relationships

CHECK OUT THIS GREAT ARTICLE OF PERSPECTIVES AND TRUTHS LEARNED BY COUPLES THERAPISTS OVER THE YEARS


15 Lessons I've Learned About Relationships from PsychCentral


By MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY, M.S.

"A Father's Quest To Help His Severely Disabled Son"

Another challenging and eye-opening interview on Fresh Air from WHYY:

"A Father's Quest To Help His Severely Disabled Son"

"When he was 8 months old, Walker Brown was diagnosed with cardiofaciocutaneous syndrome (CFC), a rare disorder that left him with severe cognitive, developmental and physical disabilities. By the time he was 3 years old, his father says, his medical chart was 10 pages long.

Now 15, Walker wears diapers and an apparatus on his wrists that prevents him from hitting and scratching himself. Developmentally, his age is between 1 and 3, and he will require constant care for the rest of his life."

In my work for Denver Options, I help families of children with developmental disabilities connect to community resources, navigate the educational & medical systems and build a support network. To learn more about our work, you can visit us at DenverOptions.org

Forgiveness and Re-Shaping

One of the more difficult challenges I face with couples is forgiveness and re-shaping: how can I forgive the years of hurt and resentment? How can I re-shape the way I see my partner and his/her role in my life?
It is very easy for us to experience the hurt and invest in the anger; it is very easy for us to invest our energies in defensive and punitive responses.

It takes a higher level of motivation, of emotion regulation, and vulnerability to let go. When we can let go and re-embrace our partners, not forgetting, but moving past the hurt, we can start the process of reconciliation - forgiving and re-shaping the relationship. This is not dismissing the hurt, it's working through it, so partners hear our concerns, what actions and words led us to feel this way, and what we can do collaboratively to support each other in moving forward. It's creating a new version of our relationships based on what we've learned doesn't work, what we've learned helps us become stronger in mutuality and positive reciprocity, what we would like our relationships to become. All of this is achieved through open communication in honesty and vulnerability.

Today's Storycorps episode may serve as a wonderful example of what can be achieved through this process. I strongly recommend listening to it, no matter the condition of your relationships. It's a moving, motivating example of what forgiveness can do for us.

Collaboration with Susan Heitler

It's always a pleasure to work with my therapy colleague Susan Heitler. Through our impromptu conversations between clients, we learn with each other and explore the complexity and nuance of our work. In her blog post today, Susan illustrates a thread of several of our conversations about the levels of treatment in a Conflict Resolution model. 


"Three Levels of Conflict Resolution Treatment

Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

Jon and Julia came to therapy for help toning down their continual bickering.  Now they rarely bicker and enjoy instead a warm and loving partnership.  What does a conflict resolution therapist do that turns a couple like this from conflict to cooperation?

My therapy colleague Matthew LeBauer has terminology that I like a lot for explaining the three levels of intervention that conflict resolution treatment typically includes."

Read more at this link.

NYTimes Money Issue Addresses Financial & Legal Issues for Same-sex Couples

The NY Times recently published a clear, informative article on the disparities and challenges faced by same-sex couples pursuing the same financial and legal safeguards afforded to heterosexual couples by marriage. The article both illuminates the complexity of the challenges and gives clear tips on the process of creating a legal document semi-equivalent jigsaw, at significantly higher cost.


The Extra Hoops Gay Parents Must Jump Through

By TARA SIEGEL BERNARD

Published: March 23, 2011

Talk Therapy Aided by Pets...?

Fascinating. I'm trying to put this together, learn more about how this gets put into practice and how it gets managed in a therapeutic relationship. The possibilities seem remarkable. I welcome your input:

Easing the Way in Therapy With the Aid of an Animal

By JANE E. BRODY

Published: March 14, 2011

Surviving Adversity, Building Resilience

An interesting piece on Resilience and how our challenging experiences lead us to manage the new ones. 
NYTimes: 

On Road to Recovery, Past Adversity Provides a Map

By BENEDICT CAREY

Published: January 3, 2011

"Whatever else it holds, this new year is sure to produce a healthy serving of redemption stories, against-the-odds tales of people who bounced back from the layoffs, foreclosures and other wreckage of 2010. They landed better jobs. They started successful companies. They found time to write a book, to study animal husbandry, to learn a new trade: to generate just the sort of commentary about perseverance, self-respect and character that can tempt anyone who’s still struggling to throw things at the TV."

Puzzles to Stretch the Mind, to Distract and to Grow

Research continues to show that solving puzzles can have significant impact on our brains. I haven't seen much certainty about how they help or to what extent, but hopefully ongoing research will have more concrete answers in the near future. In the meantime, the likelihood that puzzles help us build and maintain our cognitive skills is enough for me to be intrigued. Here are some fun options from the NYTimes, or you can pick up a soduku, word search or crossword book for about $2 at your drugstore or airport overpriced bodega.

It's also a great practice to do puzzles collaboratively with a friend or partner. Rather than a competitive stance, try them in partnership. It's likely to build your empathy and compassion, test your patience (which is good), demonstrate how you can pursue collaboration well, and create a positive experience upon which you can pursue further, rewarding mutual experiences.

Let me know what you think...

"How Meditation May Change the Brain"

NYTimes' Well Blog reports on potential structural changes in the brains of those who practice meditation. 


"Researchers report that those who meditated for about 30 minutes a day for eight weeks had measurable changes in gray-matter density in parts of the brain associated with memory, sense of self, empathy and stress."


"M.R.I. brain scans taken before and after the participants’ meditation regimen found increased gray matter in the hippocampus, an area important for learning and memory. The images also showed a reduction of gray matter in the amygdala, a region connected to anxiety and stress. A control group that did not practice meditation showed no such changes."

A Mother Blisses Out

One of my favorite people from my two short years in New Orleans is a beautiful, engaged mother, married to another of my favorite nola people. I had just met her first son a few times before we scattered. Since then, her tribe has grown, and Facebook allows me to keep up on her adventures, challenges and fulfillment in motherhood. I adore her, and the 21st century way we get to stay connected, even if loosely. Recently she posted the brief anecdote below and it struck me. Enjoy. 

one of my favorite moments

by Nahoko Kawakyu on Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Lately, the boys and I have been playing cards or "Guess Who" after Sora goes to sleep in the evening (we have to wait for her to go to bed, otherwise she runs too much interference).  While we play, there are these moments when it is either Aodhan or Rai's turn and they are thinking, and it is quiet except for the fan from the wood burning stove warming the house.  We do not rush; two of us have to wait quietly for the other to think, decide, and make a move, and time seems to be suspended.  I don't know how long these moments last- these waiting moments- these basking moments- these moments in which we share a common experience, silently.  I treasure these moments with the boys, and am grateful that I can be present in their company- here/now.   

"Can preschool boost the IQ scores of poor African-American children and prevent them from failing in school?"

American Radio Works' Early Lessons
Click the blue link just above to read the full article and hear the radio report, plus some pictures. 


"The Perry Preschool was the idea of a man named David Weikart. He was a school system administrator in the small city of Ypsilanti, Michigan back in the late 1950s. When he took the job, he was shocked to discover how many poor African-American children were doing badly in school. A lot of them were being assigned to special education classes, getting held back, and failing to graduate from high school.

Weikart wanted to do something about it, but school officials did not share his enthusiasm. They didn’t want him changing things, messing around in their schools.

So rather than change the schools, Weikart decided to invent a new kind of school – a pre-school for 3- and 4-year-olds. His hope was that preschool could boost children’s IQs."

"Happiness is like Self-Esteem: You have to work for both."

I've had several conversations recently about how therapy works and how it works differently for each client. Some seem to make leaps and bounds in their quality of life in pursuing insight into their histories and behaviors. Some report being flummoxed with an untangling and a difficult inertia leaving them clouded, stuck.

In my practice, I prefer to first provide clients with tools and skills to improve their functioning. I've found that new skills, improved functioning provide direction away from acute distress. With more mental energy we can come back to build insight next.

I find that clients who are pushed to dig deep and pursue insight about their present based on distant, painful memories often become resistant and sometimes disillusioned with counseling. When we can work the fine balance, not denying the potential benefits of exploring past roads, and focus first on regaining functionality with new skills, clients tend to make positives strides faster and become more invested in our work together.

When clients are more well-suited to resolving conflicts and are getting through their day to day successfully, we often ramp up the exploration. That's when the anxiety, the crush, the dark inertia is lifted enough for insight to be more beneficial than detrimental. It becomes about asking, how did I get there, and how can I avoid that again? What contributed to that painful phase, and how can I prevent it again? Insight into what shapes us, what has us thinking the way we do, speaking the way we do, will help us understand the motivations behind our current behaviors. With that new awareness, it becomes easier to re-habituate and choose new, more functional behaviors today.

The New York Times recently had an interesting piece on the values of insight in therapy. Well worth a read. It fits nicely with the way I practice and the value I share with Dr. Susan Heitler. We help clients learn new conflict resolution and communication skills - we lean more towards 'how-to' work before the 'how-come.'

I agree with the article's author Dr. Friedman and his assertion that insight is one ingredient in fulfilling therapy. He adds, "happiness is a bit like self-esteem: You have to work for both. So far as I know, you can’t get an infusion of either one from a therapist."

Autism Vaccine Link A Fraud

Study Linking Vaccine to Autism Was Fraud, Journal Reports
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS   Published: January 5, 2011

"The first study to link a childhood vaccine to autism was based on doctored information about the children involved, according to a new report on the widely discredited research."

"A new examination found, by comparing the reported diagnoses in the paper to hospital records, that Wakefield and colleagues altered facts about patients in their study.
The analysis, by British journalist Brian Deer, found that despite the claim in Wakefield's paper that the 12 children studied were normal until they had the MMR shot, five had previously documented developmental problems. Deer also found that all the cases were somehow misrepresented when he compared data from medical records and the children's parents."

Stop Bullying - Do Not Stand Idly By

Anti-Bullying Program Reduces Kids’ Gossip
By RICK NAUERT PHD Senior News Editor

Major Takeaways: Retaliation escalates the bullying and victimization. Anti-bullying curriculum can show dramatic decreases in bullying. Bystanders can be the greatest anti-bullying tool - if you see something, say something. 


"Frey said that bystanders are very important in decreasing gossip and bullying, but many times bystanders feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to do. Bystanders’ silence can give a lot of power to bullies, but if bystanders speak up, the bullying stops.


“Stand up straight, look the bully in the eye, and say ‘knock it off,’” Frey said. Friends who encourage victims to retaliate, on the other hand, may inadvertently set victims up for continued bullying, she said."