Dr. Heitler's new blog, "Resolution, Not Conflict"

Dr. Heitler writes about the three levels of intervention in couples counseling and conflict resolution in her new blog on PsychologyToday.com

Check it out here.

Thank you for the attribution, Dr. Heitler.

Dr. Heitler's "EFFECTIVE APOLOGIES: A QUICK GUIDE TO THE KEY INGREDIENTS"

Dr. Heitler's "EFFECTIVE APOLOGIES: A QUICK GUIDE TO THE KEY INGREDIENTS"

Check it out and see her worksheet at this link.

Dr. Heitler's "THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE?"

"All too often, hurtful words slip inadvertently from our mouths.  Sometimes we genuinely meant no harm.  At other times it’s worth checking in with our quiet voices.  Did we in fact mean to poke or jab?  And if so, why? 

Freud wrote about jokes, saying that they really do tend to rest on subconscious truths.  “I was just kidding!”  seldom is fully true. "

Read the rest and find a helpful worksheet here

One of my father's mentors, Dr. Eugene Stead, Jr.

"Patients come to doctors with complex problems. Have peace with them. Identify with the patient and not with his disease." Dr. Eugene Stead, Jr.

Dr. Stead had a profound effect on my father. My father works to ensure that the compassion, thoughtfulness and expertise Dr. Stead bestowed on him is passed on to his sons.

My father gave me a book of Steadisms, Just Say For Me. While Dr. Stead's focus was medical health care, so much of what he says applies easily to my work, mental health care. Much of his focus is on the whole patient in all his or her complexity and dynamism; he is also sure to focus on the person, not the disease. Both of these are certainly essential aspects of care when the presenting problem is anxiety, depression or conflict rather tachycardia or COPD. These ideals are particularly pertinent to my work and deeply grounded in the way my father speaks of his work and his hopes for my therapy practice. Here are a few more Steadisms that speak to my work:

"Long after the fever is gone changes in structure may persist. It should be obvious that people don't get well all at once. In a sick person many changes take place that require some time to return to normal. It has always intrigued me that so many doctors hold on to the naive notion that once an underlying defect is controlled, the patient is well."

"A doctor makes a mistake if he thinks he knows more about a patient than the patient does himself."

"Tact, sympathy and understanding are expected of the physician for the patient is no mere collection of symptoms  signs, disordered functions, damaged organs and disturbed emotions. He is human, fearful and hopeful, seeking relief, help and reassurance. To the physician, as to the anthropologist, nothing human is strange or repulsive. He cares for people because he cares for them."

"A physician must have great tolerance for he sees people at their worst."

"I have always felt the important question is how much health is there, rather than how much illness there is."

Embracing Otherness, Managing Our Selves

In Thandie Newton's recent Ted Talk, she discusses her experience of Otherness and her exploration of Self. She comments on her rejected, unruly, dysfunctional Self and ways in which her pursuit of Awareness and Oneness helps her control her Self and find fulfillment. Some of the ideas she discusses I find provocative and some informative, some inspirational and some disturbing. I am working to formulate some thoughts and questions, pursuing answers as I won't pretend to have any. I welcome your feedback and reactions.

Oneness of the universe outside of our isolating Selves. She mentions that obtaining Oneness with the universe and our fellow humans is powerful and beneficial. She does not follow through by revealing what she sees as the benefits, positive attributes and rewards in doing so. It's left with the same ambiguity as in the traditional pursuit of heaven. I would like to hear her talk about the Oneness of Community in the present. In this, she also discredits the positive values of Self and seems to limit her representation of Self in a negative, problematic schema. I find this troubling as a psychotherapist. I'm not sure that Self has to be seen as positive or negative when it can be both and always in flux as Self is shaped by our ongoing experiences in the world.

"Bountiful Nothingness." One of the more problematic lines I hear in this is about her call to destroy our Selves in blind pursuit of Oneness and connection with the Universe. She says, "Imagine what kind of existence we can have if we honor the inevitable death of Self, appreciate the privilege of life, and marvel at what comes next. Simple Awareness is where it begins."

I agree. Life becomes richer, more fulfilling and conducive to thriving when we are Aware and practice Mindfulness. At the same time, I have yet to find anything simple about building Awareness.

How does she propose we honor the death of our Selves? I am uncomfortable hearing her discuss and promote the 'death' of our Selves, both for its provocative language and the idea that this dismisses our control, management, manipulation and relationship with our Selves. Identity development is an ongoing struggle and pursuit for most people. I'm not sure I can fully agree with the idea that Self must be disbanded for Awareness and Connection, Nirvana, Enlightenment. I imagine there can be a positive, interactive relationship through identity development with our Selves in pursuit of these higher goals.

How does she propose we marvel at what comes next? Especially if our existence is through the lens of our Selves, which she only credits as a projection, and not an enriched, engaging experiential dynamic. What does she imagine comes next? Ultimate universal connectedness, it seems. And what are we to cherish so much in that idea that makes it more appealing than the height of beautiful 'Here and Now' inter-connectivity with the humans we encounter every day?

This idea, coupled with my mother's lesson of 'Heaven is the legacy you leave behind,' is what enables me to smile, engage, help, reach out to and reciprocate with the clients, family, friends and strangers I encounter every day. This is what leads me to the heights of fulfillment, the flow (losing oneself in activity) and the sense of thriving I feel most days in my current life, with my developed and developing Self.

I encourage and welcome your responses.