On Loving Speech

"Loving speech is an important aspect of practice. We say only loving things. We say the truth in a loving way, with nonviolence. This can only be done when we are calm. When we are irritated, we may say things that are destructive. So when we feel irritated, we should refrain from saying anything. We can just breathe. If we need to, we can practice walking meditation in the fresh air, looking at the trees, the clouds, the river. Once we have returned to our calmness, our serenity, we are capable again of using the language of loving kindness. If, while we are speaking, the feeling of irritation comes up again, we can stop and breathe. This is the practice of mindfulness." Thich Nhat Hanh in Teachings On Love.

NYT's Modern Love: Three Mothers, One Bond

"WE found out by text message. “Don’t get on the plane. The birth mother is unsure.”

It was 6 a.m. in December in Seattle. A quiet stillness — the kind only possible after a month of winter rain and gloom — threatened to envelop us. We began our vigil, calling the Louisiana social worker not nearly as much as we wanted to. We received no answer, had no connection to the couple that had chosen us, a lesbian couple, to adopt their just-born baby.

The night before, as we double-checked our bags to make sure we had formula and baby clothes, we received a photo of him, also by text. Then it felt amazing to be so connected by technology. Now, the chasm created by our unanswered texts and calls made us feel utterly adrift.

By noon we knew all hope was gone, but without a final word we banged around our house, not wanting to unpack. The blue gloom began settling in by 4, but we hesitated to turn on lights, not wanting to commit to the idea that we were here to stay. At last, almost 12 hours from when we were to leave for the airport, we got the word: She had left the hospital. With the baby." 

Click here to read the rest

Five Trust Building Do's from PsychologyToday.com

What's needed in these times of diminished trust, are positive trust building "dos." Want more trusting relationships at work? Here are five simple trust building dos that will enhance work relationships, no matter your role:

1. Operate with respect. Respect is an essential trust building component. If you don't offer respect to others, why would someone give you their trust? The respect component operates as a transparent window giving others a glimpse of who you are. In the words of Malcolm S. Forbes, "You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who do nothing for him." What are your actions communicating about you?

Click here to read the rest.

Stop & Smell the Roses Already Around You

As I come out of 2012, I look back and see the achievement of a major goal: I’ve stopped to smell the roses. As we enter the New Year together, I hear people commenting on how they’d like to take more time to smell the roses. This is an admirable and achievable goal. Especially because there is a secret we’ve been keeping from ourselves: we’re surrounded by roses but forgot how to smell.

As our lives become easier and more organized with all of our technology, it should be opening up much more leisure time. However, we seem to be filling that leisure time with leisure activities that quickly become tasks and even burdensome. How do we so quickly convert these from can-do pleasure providers to must-do obligations? More importantly, how do we shift them back? It’s all in a mental shift.

You’ve already surrounded yourself with roses. It’s time to learn to smell again. Some of these roses may be our children’s laughter and learning moments. Some may be our yoga or spin classes. Some may be our neighborhood park or our underused memberships.

There are three basic steps to stopping and smelling the roses.

1.     Identify the roses you’ve already got around you.

What around you, already on your schedule, already in your space should be bringing you pleasure and joy? Name it. Is it your partner? Your toddler? Your dog? The park on your way home? For me, one was the botanic gardens; another was my balcony.

2.     Pause yourself from your multi-tasking, commuting, planning, rehashing.

Risking blasphemy, turn off your phone, ipod, car and TV. It may be uncomfortable at first to not be plugged in. Your impulse may be to check your email or texts after a minute or two. Controlling that impulse is part of stopping to smell the roses. Unplug, and stay unplugged. Start with a goal of five minutes, and build up to ten, twenty, thirty with practice.

3.     Become mindful, aware, engaged and present in your space.

Look around you. Enjoy what you see. Get in it. Invest in it. Involve yourself actively in it.

If it’s your partner, stop and watch. Remember the first time you went to dinner with her. Stop and watch him dry himself off getting out of the shower. Stop and watch him spooning that puree into your baby’s mouth, and enjoy your baby spitting it right back out. Enjoy her smile in earnest.

If it’s your child playing, sit down next to him and mirror his behavior. If your daughter has grabbed something she shouldn’t have, explore with her why it’s interesting rather than cutting off her curiosity (save any danger).

If it’s the park, get out of your car, leave your phone and ipod behind, and just walk for five minutes enjoying what you see, hear and feel.

Empty time, non-thinking time is also important. Time to unplug, to be alone, and to be in quiet. Do away with stimuli. Be present only with yourself. Meditate. (And, if you need help with that as I do, try iTunes U to find a class on meditation and mindfulness.) At the same time, we can create pockets of quiet mindfulness, absent the list-making and task-doing, in our everyday.

Here are some examples of how I’ve achieved this:

1.     A brisk walk a few times a week to the park and back. It takes 10-20.
2.     On my way home, I’ve stopped at a park to walk through a rose garden for 5 minutes.
3.     Standing on my balcony, watching the steam rise off the rooftops below.
4.     Peering out my office window at the geese on the grass.

Here are some other ideas you can incorporate to bring some quiet mindfulness back to your life:

1.     Schedule your bed time fifteen minutes earlier than usual (stick to it) and check in with your body, part by part, starting at the crown of your head and work down. Feel each tingle or itch and let it subside as you move on.
2.     Schedule your wake up ten minutes earlier than usual. Put a sticky note on your snooze button that says some version of “this is a gift you give yourself.” Hit the snooze button, fall back asleep, and give yourself gratitude the next time your alarm goes off. You’re less likely to begrudgingly hit the snooze again which can make for waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
3.     At your lunch break, take ten minutes to walk the stairs. Think about whatever you want. Just the act of walking down a few flights and back up a few flights will alter your thoughts and moods for the better.

Smelling the roses doesn’t have to mean finding more roses, in a new hobby or a new class or new tech gear. It may mean appreciating the ones already around us, approaching them with a new perspective of contentment and fulfillment. Best wishes for smelling the roses already around you in 2013.

Let me know how these ideas work for you. If you're looking for a therapist in Denver, for individual or couples counseling, I'm happy to help you find the right fit. 

"Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath?"

In her May 2012 article, "Can you Call a 9-year Old a Psychopath?", Jennifer Kahn explores the therapeutic and parental challenges that seems to surround children whose behavior falls well outside the bounds designated typical. Specifically, she looks into the nature of 'fledgling psychopaths,' whether their behavior is immutable or responsive to intervention, and the evolving understandings of who these kids may become.
Kahn explores the diagnostic nuances of conduct disorder, callous-unemotional children, and the complexities when a clinician must work to distinguish between confounding behaviors. 

"Over the last six years, Michael’s parents have taken him to eight different therapists and received a proliferating number of diagnoses. “We’ve had so many people tell us so many different things,” Anne said. “Oh, it’s A.D.D. — oh, it’s not. It’s depression — or it’s not. You could open the DSM and point to a random thing, and chances are he has elements of it. He’s got characteristics of O.C.D. He’s got characteristics of sensory-integration disorder.Nobody knows what the predominant feature is, in terms of treating him. Which is the frustrating part.”"

"One of the challenges of working with severely disturbed children, Waschbusch noted, is figuring out the roots of their behavioral problems. This is particularly true for callous-unemotional kids, he said, because their behavior — a mix of impulsivity, aggression, manipulativeness and defiance — often overlaps with other disorders. “A kid like Michael is different from minute to minute,” Waschbusch noted. “So do we say the impulsive stuff is A.D.H.D. and the rest is C.U.? Or do we say that he’s fluctuating up and down, and that’s bipolar disorder? If a kid isn’t paying attention, does that reflect oppositional behavior: you’re not paying attention because you don’t want to? Or are you depressed, and you’re not paying attention because you can’t get up the energy to do it?”"

This should speak clearly to the frustration parents face in knowing where and how to get their children help. It also speaks very clearly to the challenge of finding the right help for these children. (Another under-addressed aspect in this story is the degree to which very young children come to manipulate even their therapists.) If a child can't be diagnosed correctly, and the help that is available is not productive, what is left for families to do? Where do families go? And even when intensive, appropriate interventions are found and afforded, what level of certainty can be felt that the child's potentially under-developed impulse-control and empathy will be sufficiently addressed?


Not only is it important for these interventions to be more fully researched and available to everyone who needs them (not just those who can afford paying for them privately), it's essential that all of us who comprise the communities of these families continue to be compassionate and supportive, not isolating and judgmental. In providing support and building awareness, we can raise the likelihood of success in helping these families, broaden the network in which they can find support, and hopefully help to address emotional and behavioral concerns effectively before they become more problematic. It takes a village.


So how can we be mindful and proactive in our support of the families in our communities raising these children? Are there ways for us to speak out to offer support without sounding judgmental and hurtful? What are the roles we can play that will be supportive and productive? How can we address our concerns with the parents of these children, and when might we be stepping out of bounds in doing so? What is our responsibility to say something, do something; and, when is it not? We all will have different questions, answers and view points. We all have different resources, energies and ideas to offer. These are questions worth considering and discussing with your family, your friends and your peers. And with those who might need your support. 

As a dear friend Nahoko points out, one of the strongest ways to reach out is to model reaching out - as a support and as one in need of support. "We live in a world in which we are expected to be strong, to solve our own problems - a world in which asking for help is a sign of weakness or failure. It's important to recognize how much humility and courage it takes to ask for help." She notes, as offering help is important and serves as a model for others, asking for help for ourselves, modeling reaching out for help, is essential to create a culture in which we can ask for support without fear of judgment or rejection.

The easiest way to find answers is to ask the questions aloud. Though it's uncomfortable at first, speaking up, asking politely and offering support and help will go much further than ignoring, scoffing or judging. Your reaching out is what makes your community stronger and healthier.
Do you have other recommendations or ideas? Responses to the article and what I've said here? Please let me know.

Listen Compassionately, No Need to Solve Right Away

Many people have asked me recently how to be present for their loved ones, how to listen well, and what to say in response to some very challenging feelings. 

First, know that it does take real effort, skill, and patience to sit and be present with another in distress. Our impulse is to help, to relieve them of the pain by doing something, planning a response, plotting a course. Unfortunately, for the distressed, that's rarely step one. 

Our best bet is to be real and authentic. Say, "I'm here to help you; let me know how. Whether it's sitting with you, hugging you, listening to you, or in silence. I am here and you are safe."

Validating what is shared, recognizing the right and the reason to feel that way, is very important. Whether or what to do about it comes later. Right now, it's identifying the distress and understanding it; again, this might happen silently at times. This is processing, mulling, considering, reviewing, often seeking affirmation, confirmation, validation. 

And if this proves too difficult, that is ok. We can't all be what our partners need at any given moment. Sometimes it's best to say, "I'm struggling to be the support you need right now, and I'm here to help you find it."

Here's an article by Robert Leahy, Ph.D. with further ideas and suggestions on what to say to a loved one and what not to.  

Exercise, whether am or pm, is a boon for your well being

NYTimes Well Blog looks into "Why Afternoon May Be the Best Time to Exercise"

By GRETCHEN REYNOLDS

Find the article at the link above. 

A few quick notes of my own in italics: 

But, Dr. Colwell says, that clock can become discombobulated. It is easily confused, for instance, by viewing artificial light in the evening, he says, when the internal clock expects darkness. Aging also worsens the clock’s functioning, he says. “By middle age, most of us start to have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep,” he says. “Then we have trouble staying awake the next day.”

Many of my clients report trouble sleeping. One of the strategies they, and I, have tried is reading ourselves back to sleep. Unfortunately, many of us use our laptop screens or our e-readers rather than print material. This artificial light might be counter-productive - just the light from an e-reader can diminish the melatonin output and contribute to our sleeplessness. Try listening to a calm radio program. My favorite is Fresh Air (WHYY). Or, reading from print material.

“What we know, right now,” he says, “is that exercise is a good idea” if you wish to sleep well and avoid the physical ailments associated with an aging or clumsy circadian rhythm. And it is possible, although not yet proven, that afternoon sessions may produce more robust results. “But any exercise is likely to be better than none,” he concludes. “And if you like morning exercise, which I do, great. Keep it up.”

This is the essential point of the article. Whether you do everything in life at its most effective time isn't important if you're not yet doing it at all. Just get into the habit of 15-30 minutes of increased heart rate a day, and within a week you'll feel better in many ways: better outlook, better sleep, better energy. 

An Intro to LeBauer Counseling

A brief video intro I made as part of a web-app development project with a colleague. While the description of my work isn't comprehensive (yes, I work with people outside the age range I give in the video), it can give you a good sense of who I am and how I work.

Also, I welcome your feedback

Managing Daily Anxiety - a few tips

An accessible, brief article on managing daily anxieties to avoid the pot boiling over. Not quite novel, but well said.

“If you worry about everything, it will get in the way of what you really need to address,” she explained. “The best decisions are not made when your mind is spinning out of control, racing ahead with predictions about how things are never going to get any better. Precious energy is wasted when you’re always thinking about the worst-case scenarios.”

Bring Novelty into life, from my mentor's blog...

"Resolution, Not Conflict" is the blog of my mentor and colleague, Susan Heitler.

You can find it here.

Here's a quick sample of an interesting post she's recently added:

"4. Enjoyment Any kind of shared fun builds a sense of closeness.  Folks that laugh together like being together.

5. Newness and fright Slightly anxiety-producing activities and any activities that have newness like going to a different restaurant or travel have an especially strong bonding impact."

These are two of my favorite on her list of how build closeness with others. 

To enact these two strategies in my life, I take friends and family to fun places around town. I love the Museum of Contemporary Art's Mixed Taste programs - my colleagues will vouch for me on that! 

I also enjoy walking down to the Denver Art Museum. Whether they have a special traveling exhibit or I'm there to discover something new, it's a great way to learn and grow together with a friend, asking what did you like, how did you feel about that piece? 

Probably my favorite place to explore with people is the Denver Botanic Gardens. It's not the biggest garden for sure; at the same time, taking someone who hasn't been or with whom I haven't been gives me a new lens, a new perspective, and I get to learn what are there favorite plants and why? Are they a green-thumb, or like me, not so much? How do they feel about the new sculpture exhibit? What's their experience like in the herb garden!?

What Heitler calls newness is also called novelty. When we can bring novel experiences into our lives, it's revivifying, gives us the chance to see the experience through someone else's eyes, and puts us on fresh, even territory to explore and learn together, with each other.