Bullying: Building Effective Interventions

Last week I attended an author talk at the Denver JCC by Emily Bazelon (@emilybazelon) of Slate and Yale Law School. She has researched and written about bullying extensively, including her book Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy. Some more of my thoughts on her research:

In choosing effective interventions when bullying occurs, it's important to do so judiciously and proactively, even when it's in response to a series of incidents (remember, bullying is inherently patterned and not singular, though these singular events must be addressed.) Responding to bullying incidents reactively indicates to those involved that those in authority do not maintain a healthy power balance in the environment; otherwise they wouldn't appear back on their heels. 

While children and adolescents need increasing freedom to explore and try on new looks and behaviors as part of building their own identities, they still need the structure, expectations and boundaries that keep them in check and keep things predictable (this is a power balance, hopefully maintained healthily). 

One strategy that has been adopted in our judicial system and now some educational systems to address bullying is mandatory minimum punitive measures. At one point, these seemed to offer a useful edge as a deterrent and to avoid overly complicated and nuanced decision-making processes. However, this strategy has fallen short and raised more problems in the judicial system than it has solved. In schools, zero-tolerance, blanket policies that anyone caught bullying will be suspended create a straitjacket approach. When we are trying our hardest to teach children that life is not black and white, and they must learn to navigate the nuanced grey areas of life, why are we treating them like, and modeling for them, that it is black and white? This is misleading and confusing.

Where is the flexibility in these policies for children to understand behaviors have consequences with origins in the targeted behavior? The consequences should have purpose and utility. Also, consequences should empower the person to understand what went wrong, learn from the situation and prepare them to navigate that situation differently in the future. 

The consequences should give room for identity development (Is this the person I want to be?) while enforcing and making clear the expectations and structured boundaries (If you want to function freely in this community, those behaviors won't work, here's how to repair the hurt you've caused, and here's how to get your need met effectively next time). As Bazelon discusses, we need to help our children discover the power of character and help them foster character that works for them, while we develop communities empowered by empathy.

If a child came to school disempowered by a family situation, becomes sidelined or ridiculed on the sports field, and acts out negatively (bullies) in the locker room to regain some sense of power and agency, this will not work. This situation must be addressed. Suspending them to stay at home for a week isolates them in an environment in which they feel powerless. It deprives them of a positive, engaging, supportive environment in which they can find release, power, agency in healthy ways. They are likely to harbor resentment for this empty punishment, and still suffer from the powerlessness that led to the primary problematic event in the locker room. 

Another option is to engage them in dialogue with trusted adults and the other(s) involved in the event. Instead of removing them from the wounded community, empower the child who bullied to stay in the environment (school or team), develop and show remorse, and face the difficulty of repairing the fissure. This also empowers those hurt in the incident to face the person who bullied them, see them fully and honestly, and learn to be resilient and reclaim their power appropriately with the one who aggrieved them. They can work together to share the power of the social negotiation. 

This is a process that takes time, patience and resolve. It is not a process that is secured in one meeting of apologies and shaking hands. It takes many small steps and it takes many big steps. Some examples might include versions of studying together supervised, partnering together on projects, co-captaining a team for a week, repairing and improving some physical aspect of the community (like re-painting, gardening, repairing a bench), and speaking to younger kids together about the conflict and how it is being resolved. These are some ideas to bring children back together, build pro-social behaviors, foster the resilience of the children hurt, build compassion, and strengthen community. 

This involves the parents coming together, setting an example, and modeling for their children. This involves one or two trusted classroom teachers, a coach perhaps, a social worker or guidance counselor. And it certainly involves peers who can commit to helping implement the change. Adolescents have limited impulse control and executive function. They're likely to act off the cuff. Peers can help their friends remember the process, the agreement, and choose the productive, helpful behaviors that will achieve the targeted resolution. There is also follow-up through the months with everyone involved.  

Easier Said Than Done! No doubt. Absolutely. At the same time, this is an opportunity for our children to learn that Life is easier said than done. 

Of course, this description is just broad strokes on the one model how schools can address bullying incidents. It does not give due weight to the energy, scheduling and work demands of the students and adults involved. Those factors cannot be underestimated. They also can't be used as excuses to forgo some kind of culture-change, enduring process that works more than a one-off assembly soon forgotten or a straitjacket one-week suspension forgotten until the pattern repeats itself.

Please feel free to send me comments or questions. Follow my blog or find me on social media @findyourmarbles and Facebook for more. Please share with those who might benefit from this information.

An Anti-Bullying Foundation? Yep. Stand Up!

The Ben Cohen Stand Up Foundation
http://www.standupfoundation.com

The Foundation "award[s] grants to support work that helps stop bullying, helps those hurt by bullies and/or helps increase tolerance in sports."

Mission: To raise awareness of the long-term, damaging effects of bullying and to raise funds to support those doing real-world work to stop it.

Vision: To build a highly collaborative organization funded by social business models that help connect communities and create a world of understanding and kindness.

Bullying: An Empathy Challenge. Stand up!

Last week I attended an author talk at the Denver JCC by Emily Bazelon (@emilybazelon) of Slate and Yale Law School. She has researched and written about bullying extensively, including her book Sticks & Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy. Some more of my thoughts on her research:

Bullying incidents have an audience nine out of ten times. Yet, those bystanders intervene only 20% of the time. More than half the time they intervene, they're successful at stopping the bullying event.

Bazelon talks about the empathy challenge presented in the social environments she studied of children and adolescents in the US over the last few years. She cites research of Clifford Nass that shows the presence of social media in children's lives decreases the quality of their friendships and that face-to-face interactions boost the quality of friendships. In this dynamic, it seems our children are losing opportunities to engage empathically with their peers and learn the social negotiation skills needed to build resilience, pro-social behaviors and interpersonal connections. 

Research published recently by the New School for Social Research in NYC (NYTimes Well blog post) shows that children who read literary fiction (as opposed to serious non-fiction) may benefit from increased empathy, social perception and emotional intelligence. When children are more empathic and attuned to social cues, they're likely to intervene more when bullying happens. I'd also venture to say they'll be less likely to bully because they'll have more effective behaviors to get what they need, namely agency and a feeling of power.

Character Education in school and out is essential to boosting the pro-social, empathic behaviors in our communities. This happens at the dinner table, in the car, during practice, in an assembly, at the start of each morning's home room. When it's a Special Anti-Bullying Assembly or a Day Against Bullying, that's great. It sets expectations and makes clear what's appropriate and what's not.

However, one-off events don't ingrain these ideas and values into practice and behavior. It's essential that they become pervasive into the daily lived experiences so they are internalized by each person in the community. Models and practices of behaviors that build resilience and empathy need to be in the greetings at the start of every class, on posters, in assignments, during team practice. They have to be built into the system and a vibrant part of the culture.

Rita Pierson gives a boisterous and heart-warming TED talk about the importance of relationships in creating effective educational environments. Worth every minute, and then again! Every Kid Needs A Champion

Standing up to bullying is tough and scary, whether one is the victim or a bystander. It is our responsibility as adults to give children and adolescents easier ways to intervene. Effective intervention doesn't always require a principal, a parent or a cavalry (though in serious cases, the first two are essential). We can support our children to be confident bystanders who intervene by teaching them simple steps that actually help. Stepping closer to the victim and facing the bully. Stating out loud, "He's my friend. I like him." Putting a gentle hand on the victim's shoulder. Sending them a text later, "Are you ok?" or "I like you" can make a huge difference. Responding to a taunting thread online "She's my friend and I like her" will stop a bullying incident pretty quickly. 

This Irish PSA gives a stark example of hostile adolescent bullying and the power of a simple gesture to stand with a victim in silence, a show of solidarity, that brings a community together, empowers the victim, and leaves the bullies speechless. Check it out: Stand Up!

Follow my blog or find me on social media @findyourmarbles and Facebook for more. Please share with those who might benefit from this information. 

Bullying in the Internet age

Last week I attended an author talk at the Denver JCC by Emily Bazelon (@emilybazelon) of Slate and Yale Law School. She has researched and written about bullying extensively, including her book Sticks & Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy. Some more of my thoughts on her research:

Bullying has taken on an ugly new visage in an age where many children and adolescents are tethered to the internet. Many parents face the difficult decision of giving their children a phone and online access. Parents then have to figure out how to help their children navigate the responsibility and risks that come with it. 

It can be a major stress-reducer, a logistics and scheduling boon, and an undeniable security measure to equip children with a phone (smart or not). Giving children access to a smartphone, and the internet, can open a potentially dangerous can of worms though. What parent would ever have time to supervise and monitor all of the interactions their children have or observe online? That's just not realistic. 

At the same time, it is realistic, and some argue the responsibility of the parents, to shepherd their children through their early experiences online to become smart, effective cyber-citizens. This can happen through open conversations about the use and purpose of online access, boundaries and expectations, and limited online privacy. Remember, limited online privacy is no different than the limited privacy at home it's appropriate for children to have: children need some privacy while knowing their parents have a responsibility to monitor their privacy judiciously to ensure their safety and well-being. When this is made explicit with children, they understand and appreciate the boundaries and expectations. The same can be achieved with online privacy: up front expectations and guidelines for online life, and check-ins and monitoring. When this includes strategies, support, partnering together in online life, it can build pro-social behaviors and resilience.  

Here are some great resources from Edutopia on Digital Citizenry and safety. 

When children are literally left to their own devices, they will replicate the social gauntlet of their offline experiences online. Often times, they will do so with less inhibition because 'online' seems to offer some level of anonymity and shielding. There is no challenge to stand face to face with someone. It appeals to the impulsivity inherent in children and adolescents. 

However, bullying online can be particularly pernicious and dangerous. When something is posted on social media, it is enduring. It cannot be processed, forgotten or easily let go of in the company of a friend's empathic hug, as spoken words might "roll off the back" for a resilient child on the playground. Bullying, taunting and harassment online is permanent. It's not going anywhere. It gets seen by the masses. Certainly it gets seen, and commented on, and re-hashed by more kids than would hear it in a classroom, on the playground or in the hallway. 

Bullying online also pervades life well beyond the school day and the after-school activity. The internet is there 24/7, so one online 'incident' can be dragged into many over days. It leads to a vicious cycle. The victim is likely to re-visit it over and over, look at it again and again, see who else has ganged up against them and if anyone has stood up to defend them or offer a word of support. They can get lost in this cycle of despair and hopelessness, unwilling to ask for support or intervention for fear of looking weak or shameful. 

This is where the ongoing relationship between parents and children collaborating to navigate the online world can be so important. And, parents can partner with their children to sign off, put the phones down, go for a walk and re-connect. Car time can be conversation time. Play a game or read a book instead of watching TV while texting. It takes energy, but it can be done. 

These are the moments in which your child's resilience is bolstered and is better prepared to face the gauntlet with more effective, pro-social behaviors next time. When you've got this connected relationship in person, you'll be suited to have difficult conversations about bullying in your child's life (as the victim or the one bullying). You can then partner together to address it effectively and move past it. 

Follow my blog or find me on social media @findyourmarbles and Facebook for more. Please share with those who might benefit from this information. 

Bullying - What it is & How to stop it.

Last week I attended an author talk at the Denver JCC by Emily Bazelon (@emilybazelon) of Slate and Yale Law School. She has researched and written about bullying extensively, including her book Sticks & Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy.

In it, she gives an engaging picture of the nature of bullying and insights into how we can effectively address it. Over a series of blog posts, I'll share my take on what she offers and some resources. 

One major aspect I appreciate about Bazelon's approach is her willingness to make clear statements and not fear others disagreeing with her. Just reading the first few comments on her Amazon page, it is clear there is disagreement. The practice in that comments section, and in her audience, should be to approach this conflict of differing perspectives in a respectful way, not re-enacting the "peer abuse" she wishes to address. So many seem to fall for the same easy trap our children fall for in leaving hurtful comments online. This simply models the abusive language we need to support our children to avoid. 

Bullying is getting more attention these days and that's a good thing for all of us. One of the first major points Bazelon makes is her careful clarification that bullying is not an epidemic. Because larger historical concerns like drunk driving and physical violence have decreased, and because the world is more inter-connected with info-immediacy, bullying is getting headlines.

Her point is that more attention and action does not equate to an epidemic; the fear of an epidemic often leads us to more severe measures that can be isolating.  We need to address bullying with strategies that address the roots and cause of the behavior. She calls for empathic, character-building, community-strengthening interventions. That's a good idea anyway for our schools communities and families.

With this in mind, we can address bullying for the very real, important concern that it is without labeling every child who is momentarily aggressive a 'bully,' and without a catch-all, zero-tolerance approach to behavior that falls under ambiguous definitions of bullying.

She makes the point that we need to use the words 'bully' and 'bullying' judiciously. First, it's important to note that bullying is power-based, patterned (ongoing), and nuanced (verbal, in person or online, and physical). It's helpful to use person-first language here: calling someone a 'bully' makes the behavior their whole identity. Calling someone who bullies just that ("a child who bullies") preserves their dignity as a person and pinpoints a problematic facet of their behavior. Then, there's a core of good one can tap into with them and help them separate themselves from that part who bullies for whatever reason - usually a reason worth addressing with empathy, compassion and supports to foster pro-social behavior. It's important to address the situation proactively, not reactively, and with options and not prescriptions like mandatory suspensions from school based on uncertainties.

In an upcoming post, I'll discuss more thoughts on our options for intervening concretely. I welcome your questions and responses to what I've written.   

Follow my blog or find me on social media @findyourmarbles and Facebook for more. Please share with those who might benefit from this information. 

Not Sleeping Through The Night? Not to worry.

It's been ingrained in us that we need plenty of sleep to function during the day. Many of us know we don't function well without our precious 8 hours. We've been led to believe that our sleep should come in a solid chunk through the night. Research in recent years has underscored the value of short naps during the workday to boost productivity. Also, to catch up on sleep, it's important to go to bed early; sleeping longer the next day doesn't work as well. 

My sleeping habits evolved in recent years to include a window in the middle of the night when I wake up and just can't get back to sleep. For a long time, I thought this was bad and harmful. It turns out, it may be closer to our sleeping habits before the Industrial Revolution up-ended everything. 

Before streetlights and the ubiquity and safety of night time activities, it was commonplace for people to sleep from shortly after dark for four hours and then wake up for an hour or two. This was commonly used for praying, reading or sex. It was also at times an opportunity to visit with family and neighbors. People would then return to sleep for another four hours before rising to start another day. 

It wasn't until the first half of the 19th century that medical journals were encouraging sleeping through the night. As people were out for longer days and activities were more accessible after dark thanks to street and interior lamps, it became encouraged to sleep through the then shorter night.

So, in our contemporary lives, when we awaken in the middle of the night, it's understandable we'd get anxious that we're losing sleep. The problem isn't actually the loss of sleep. The problem is the anxiety about it. That anxiety, it seems, might lead to the real loss of sleep, the inability to return to sleep after a brief period of waking life because we're agitated about having woken up in the first place. 

Further, it's thought that the time between sleeping periods in the past may have been used to contemplate and meditate on the demands, stresses, pleasures and hopes of life. This opportunity may have contributed to one's capacity to modulate and manage the stressors of life. Without this built in window of meditation, we're pushing our stresses elsewhere, inward where they fester perhaps, or into times when we're already stressed, like when we're stuck in traffic. We're stuck processing and regulating our stress at inopportune moments when it's likely to erupt rather than be dealt with effectively, as through meditation. 

So, now when I find myself staring at the ceiling at 3 am, unable to get back to sleep, I try meditating. I've got a guided meditation in my iTunes. I also count from 1 to 10 and imagine each number in a different landscape I've been to, like the red rocks of Sedona, the foggy hills of San Francisco or the Fall colors on the Appalachian Trail. I might also think about an achievement or success from the past day and something positive I can anticipate about the day to come. If necessary, I distract myself from worries about the past or anxieties about what's to come. That's a trap for not falling asleep again. Sometimes, I'll pick up a book and read until I'm tired again. It's important to avoid turning on any electric screen like an iphone or TV, the light from which inhibits the production of melatonin which makes us drowsy and ready for sleep. 

Next time you're awake in the middle of the night, don't fret. Read, pray, have sex or use the other strategies I've mentioned. Then, when you're tired again, settle into another comfy slumber. 

For more, check out the BBC News Magazine article here.

Dear Naptime, Sorry I was so mean as a kid.

Most adults wish they could go back to childhood and savor the nap times and early bedtimes. Most parents understand the importance of plenty of sleep for their children. There's more than enough in-your-face evidence that a lack of sleep leads to negative behaviors.

As described by NPR's Shots blog, New research indicates that it's not just enough sleep that makes the difference. The consistency of bedtime is seen as a major factor for children. When children can maintain their circadian rhythms with regular bedtimes, they get more of the benefits of sleep.  Consistent night-nights also helped kids escape the negative impacts of too little or irregular sleep, such as behavior problems and poor school performance.

An inconsistent bedtime actually resulted in worse behavior than insufficient sleep did.

As with many facets of childhood and parenting, consistency proves key. When children are given enough appropriate structure, clear expectations and predictable schedules they can flourish in the freedom and independence they need to do their work: play!

It's the regular movement that's the most important.

"And if you have little experience with injury and are comfortable with your stride, then by all means, stick with it, as is. The best running form, Mr. Kulmala said, is any that keeps you moving regularly."

In this Well blog post about runners striking on the front of their foot or heel first, Gretchen Reynolds discusses how the recurring argument about which is best is moot. The most important factor is sticking with the activity, using whichever stride and strike minimizes injury and potential for future injury. She includes some rough results from recent studies - in short, they show that both methods of running, heel-striking vs. forefoot-striking, put pressure and strain on the body just in different places. 

Forefoot-strikers are more likely to feel the pressure and suffer injury in the ankles and achilles'. Heel-strikers are more likely to feel it in the knees. 

Wherever you feel it, minimize the potential for injury by smartly adjusting your exercise so you can keep on moving. Once the habit's broken it can be tough to return to. And the most important habit we can all get more of is moving our bodies. 

How Couples Counseling Helps Build Strong Partnerships: LeBauer Counseling, Denver, CO

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Life can get overwhelming, with all we have to get done and take care of.
Our relationships are supposed to rejuvenate us, but sometimes they just drain us. 
Counseling helps couples face the difficulties, move through the challenges and get back to a rewarding, fulfilling partnership. Easier Said Than Done. 
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Counseling Helps: LeBauer Counseling, Denver, CO