NPR: When One Sibling is Developmentally Disabled

..."Of course, there are no good terms: special needs, intellectually disabled, mentally retarded, brain damaged. The labels range from euphemistic to offensive. The best seem clinical and unemotional, as if not to burden anyone with the real difficulties behind the phrases.

But Cecily manages very well. She lives semi-independently in a community for people with developmental disabilities. She holds a full-time job caring for severely disabled people. Once a week she does what she loves best, helping in a kindergarten. She cooks and shops and watches movies on a DVD player with her nose practically touching the screen."

When One Sibling Is Developmentally Disabled by DAPHNE BEAL

Maya Angelou: Poetry in Self-Defense

Maya Angelou - a longtime favorite of mine. I was elated when she spoke my freshman year at Duke. 
I nearly perfected a brief impersonation, including her speech's catch phrase: "go out and get it." She started that speech singing a hymn, a prayer in Hebrew, and a spiritual. In the Duke Chapel. 


NPR did a piece this morning with Dr. Angelou to speak about her new cook book. The best part was her recitation of one of my favorite poems:


The Health-Food Diner

No sprouted wheat and soya shoots
And Brussels in a cake,
Carrot straw and spinach raw,
(Today, I need a steak).

Not thick brown rice and rice pilaw
Or mushrooms creamed on toast,
Turnips mashed and parsnips hashed,
(I'm dreaming of a roast).

Health-food folks around the world
Are thinned by anxious zeal,
They look for help in seafood kelp
(I count on breaded veal).

No smoking signs, raw mustard greens,
Zucchini by the ton,
Uncooked kale and bodies frail
Are sure to make me run

to

Loins of pork and chicken thighs
And standing rib, so prime,
Pork chops brown and fresh ground round
(I crave them all the time).

Irish stews and boiled corned beef
and hot dogs by the scores,
or any place that saves a space
For smoking carnivores.

1983 by Dr. Maya Angelou

You can hear the story behind this poem in the piece by NPR. 

A Sad Tale, An Uplifting Finish: What Used to Happen to Children with Disabilities

"It Wasn't Until His Parents Died That Jeff Daly Learned What Happened to His Younger Sister Who Disappeared 47 Years Earlier"

CBS Sunday Morning piece: Where's Molly?

Where's Molly Website - Trailer for Documentary

You can learn about how Denver is helping families of children with disabilities (and adults with disabilities and traumatic brain injuries) by visiting Denver Options' website.

Couples Counseling Done Well: An Important Read for Therapists & Clients

HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARITAL HEALTH by William J. Doherty, PhD from Smart Marriages CONFERENCE, JULY 3, 1999


A sample: 
"People considering therapy should learn to ask questions to learn about the therapist's training and value orientation. They can ask a therapist on the phone or in the first session the following kinds of questions:

• "Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?" If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can't point to a significant education in this work, then consider going elsewhere.

• "What is your attitude toward salvaging a trouble marriage versus helping couples break up?" If the therapist says he or she is "neutral," or "I don't try to save marriage, I try to help people" look elsewhere. (I'd also run if the therapist says he or she does not believe in divorce.)

• "What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?" If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere."

Two Sides to Infidelity, "And both, frankly, are awful."

The Modern Love column from the New York Times gives another insightful, challenging piece by Wendy Plump; this one explores the two agonizing sides of infidelity.

"Start, I suggested to her, by picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.

I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. If you believed they did, your stomach wouldn’t drop on your way out the door to your lover’s. You wouldn’t feel the need to shower before climbing into the marital bed after a liaison. You wouldn’t feel like a train had struck you in the back when your son asked why you forgot his lacrosse game the other day." 

A Roomful of Yearning and Regret, by Wendy Plump

Power of Two Marriage Enrichment

Power of Two Marriage Skills Workshop - A great resource with tons of information, activities and skills.
"-Teaches you how to stop fighting.
-Improves communication, builds trust & enhances intimacy.
-Includes videos, podcasts, worksheets, and interactive exercises.
-Works on your own schedule, alone or with your partner.
-Is for couples at all stages -- dating, engaged or married for years.
Power of Two Online is a cost effective way to enrich your relationship and an excellent alternative to therapy."

Read a review here by Leslie Juvin on LiveLoveLeslie.

A Cure for HIV? Hallelujah

'Let's bottle up that magic potion and get it shipped! How exciting that millions of mothers and babies in Africa dying of AIDS will soon be cured. How exciting that we won't lose another generation of young gay men and MSM in the US to AIDS.'

I was stunned to read the dramatic and simplistic headlines that a cure has been found for HIV.

A friend wrote and asked, "News or Tabloid?"

Unfortunately, both. The headlines, as we've come to expect are attention-grabbing tabloid-worthy voids of tangible information. One of the central points not just ignored or overlooked, but buried, by so many news sources was the challenge of replicability. There were so many spontaneous, unpredictable factors that played a contributing role in this specific case and limiting factors, especially eligible matches found in time, that replicability is a long way off. One cured patient, as brilliant and exciting and newsworthy as that is, does not give media license to portray it as easy and accessible as a vaccine. That misinformation leads to dismissal - well, that one's cured, we can stop paying attention; there's a cure for it now, so safer-sex is out.

So far, the best explanation of how doctors in Berlin cured a man of HIV comes from WebMD. If you come across other non-hysterical, respectable descriptions, please let me know.

Bullying: "A dark, vicious side of adolescence" and Parents Feel Lost

Bullying in the 21st Century is more often than not Cyberbullying; bullying will never be just 'a fact of life' nor a natural part of growing up. 


"This is a dark, vicious side of adolescence, enabled and magnified by technology. Yet because so many horrified parents are bewildered by the technology, they think they are helpless to address the problems it engenders."


Bullying in person is damaging enough. Bullying on the internet is particularly detrimental for several reasons: it can be more subtle -fleeting IM comments- and it can be more flagrant -manipulated photos on Facebook; it is enduring and relentless - kids keep going back to it, revisiting it, and are reminded of it over and over; and children often bear the shame in silence, without witnesses to intervene or help support them after incidents. Parents can't as easily see what's happening when their child is being bullied behind the computer screen as they can when they're watching their kids play together on the field.


I struggle to keep up with technology and I'm a bit relieved when I find people, usually older than me, having a harder time than I am. Parents though no longer have the luxury of not keeping up. Staying cognizant of their child's development and well-being now requires them to be tech-savvy, whether it's reading their homework assignments and grades online or keeping up with their whereabouts by text. 


Engaging children in conversation, helping them speak openly about their experiences in adolescence can lay the groundwork for them to come forward when they're being bullied. Feeling empowered when things are going well will help them act empowered when things go poorly, like when a 'friend' calls them 'a fat bitch' on their Facebook profile. 


If you are among the many who feel overwhelmed by the lightning speed of technology's advances and you struggle to keep up to protect your children from cyberbullying, there are resources in your community, there are websites, and lectures, and meetings at your neighborhood school. If you need help finding them, please reach out and ask; you'll be a model for your child, so when he or she needs help, they'll know how to reach out and ask for it. Bullying is a crime and it is not 'just part of growing up.' 


The New York Times offers this impressive look at the struggle to keep up as the struggles and intricacies of childhood get played out in the social media and ever advancing technology.


As Bullies Go Digital, Parents Play Catch-Up by Jan Hoffman, published Dec. 4, 2010


Each of the underlined words above will lead you to a helpful website for more information. Please check them out. 


Here are some links specific to anti-LGBT bullying: 


GLSEN Anti-Bullying Resources GLSEN focuses on ensuring safe schools for all students.


The Trevor Project: Local Resources page The Trevor Project is the leading national organization focused on crisis and suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth.


Or you can just click here to instantly google 'anti-bullying resources.'

Like Autism, Attention Deficit Disorders fall on a Spectrum

Like Autism, Attention Deficit Disorders fall on a Spectrum, and should each be addressed individually with a unique combination of behavioral, emotional and if need be medicinal interventions. I tend to lean towards behavioral and emotional interventions when possible. Even when medicinal options are chosen, as they can be very effective, it's important to continue to pursue behavioral interventions to bolster and solidify the results from the medicine.

However relief and a return to productivity are accomplished, the cultural swing towards dismissing the impact of ADD/ADHD is a disservice to those who would benefit from real intervention but are missing out because it's so easy to blame the fractured attention patterns of our technology filled days. Texting and gaming are not stealing our attention spans. They may be modifying how we devote our attention; I'm not convinced they are to blame for ADD/ADHD - nor that limiting them significantly would have a significant impact on ADD/ADHD cases.

The NYTimes had an interesting article recently. I welcome your feedback on the topic.

You are my partner. You are not my adversary.

The number one predictor for divorce is avoidance of conflict; couples are served much better by doing the difficult work, helping each other trudge through the tension and animosity of their unavoidable conflicts. This tough work becomes an accomplishment; couples become stronger in their collaboration to manage conflict, rather than growing apart as they avoid each other to avoid the stress of disagreement and discord.

Couples can learn new communication skills to help them resolve conflicts, new language to work through misunderstandings. Couples can practice omitting bad habits from their language, like the discrediting ‘but.’ They still struggle to anticipate the established traps where their adrenaline spikes and they react negatively to their partner. When they can head that response off at the pass, they can choose other maneuvers to get through a tough conversation. It’s about working together to identify bad habits and replace them with good habits. Working together happens without animosity or resentment, being open to learning from your partner.

Once couples identify the comments, the tone, the body language that sparks the fighting - the moment their ears feel hot, they avert their eyes - the real work begins. They can go with the ingrained response of offering counter-points and arguing differing views. Or, they can remember to first pursue a compassionate view, asking, “What leads my partner to view the situation that way? What are the pieces I agree with in what my partner’s saying?” One can learn so much by asking explicitly, “Please help me understand your perspective.” If nothing else, an open-ended question gives you a moment to re-consider responding provocatively: “No, you don’t.” “You always say that.” “We never go out with my friends.”

Another great strategy in this moment is to remember that your partner is not your adversary. Say out loud to your partner, “You are my partner. You are not my enemy. I want what is best for both of us.” The adversary is the undesirable outcome. The goal is a mutually beneficial outcome where you each get as much of what you want as possible and end up feeling successful and rewarded in your partnership.

Once you’ve re-established a new pattern where you once jumped right into angry conflict, or fled from conflict altogether, your conversations can be more productive and less contentious. You can treat it as a building block, practice it actively as a team, and slowly build in more new language that is collaborative.

A moment of appreciation. Billy Collins' Litany by Samuel Schelpka

1 on 1 time Helps Protect Against Mental Health Concerns?

PsychCentral published a short article about a new study out showing that the 1 on 1 time you spend with your kiddos may be acting like a preventive measure, a vaccine of sorts, against future mental health concerns, specifically personality disorders.
All that individual attention lost to video games, texting, iPhoning may end up costing your child a more sound, individuated, stable personality formation.
Check out the article below.

Adult Interactions Protect Kids from Later Personality Disorders

By RICK NAUERT PHD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on November 9, 2010

A new study discovers the interaction between a child and trusted adult while learning a hobby or some other complicated task appears to provide a protective effect for the youth’s mental health as they age.
Researchers say the interpersonal connection may help guard against the emergence of a personality disorder later on in life.
Spending time with a child by reading with them, helping with homework or teaching them organizational skills helps to foster better psychological health in adulthood.
“The strong interpersonal connectedness and social skills that children learn from having active, healthy engagements with adults fosters positive psychological development,” said lead study author Mark F. Lenzenweger, distinguished professor of clinical science, neuroscience and cognitive psychology at Binghamton University.
“With it, a child develops his or her affiliation system — their connection to the world of people. Without it, the way a child connects with other human beings can be severely impaired. And as I found out, it is this impairment that predicts the appearance of schizoid personality disorder symptoms in emerging adulthood and beyond.”
Lenzenweger says that the real importance of his findings is that it underscores the value of actively engaging a child during his or her formative years – which is particularly relevant in this age of day care, TV, videos, and web-based virtual reality games.
“Through a rich degree of proximal processes, or more simply put, interactions generally associated with a caring and strong interpersonal relationship, a significant adult — typically a parent but who could also be a caregiver or role model — can help a child to progress to a richer, more differentiated, and fuller psychological experience,” said Lenzenweger.
These relationships foster a willingness to engage with others, the psychological foundation of the human experience.
But for some PD sufferers, this willingness to connect with other people is markedly absent. Along with the question of why those connections weren’t happening, Lenzenweger asked an even more probing question: what happens when they do.
“For years, researchers have speculated whether elements in the environment could create or elevate risk for a personality disorder,” he said. “For example, childhood trauma has been seen as important.”
However, the critical wild card in all of this was genetic influences – our inherited tendencies that shape our psychological and behavioral responses to the kind of situations and stress that life constantly throws at us.
Could the experience of a rich proximal process in early life foster the development of a strong affiliation system and healthier personality adjustment in adulthood? Lenzenweger’s study suggests that this is indeed the case.
“Even when we factored in temperamental features such as anger, fear and distress, which are suggestive of a difficult or challenging child and which might make connecting with other people difficult, we still found that having a strong relationship with a significant adult has a huge impact on development,” said Lenzenweger.
“This means that the role of proximal processes in the development of the child did not simply mean that he or she was easy to relate to and therefore, the recipient of engaged attention of adults.”
By drawing data from his own Longitudinal Study of Personality Disorders (LSPD) study, which began in 1991 and was the first of its kind funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health, Lenzenweger was able to conduct a multiwave analysis that enabled him to use time as an important research lever.
By using the scientifically powerful multiwave approach to studying people over time, Lenzenweger’s LSPD is able to account for how individuals change during that period. He is also able to pinpoint what kind of elements are important in determining final outcomes in adulthood, particularly in respect to personality disorders.
According to Lenzenweger, not only is this study breaking new ground in personality disorder research, it also represents a sea change in research methods. Prior to the inception of the current study, previous studies had simply used test-retest methods — where people are studied once and then again at a later point.
Lenzenweger’s approach tracks subjects for a longer period of time and uses a range of measurements, which offers a better understanding of the link between childhood and adulthood. He plans to assess all of these subjects again in the next few years, tracking the group as they enter their late 30s.
Lenzenweger also hopes to secure genetic DNA data from all of the subjects to help further the understanding of the genetic factors that might be predictive of change and stability in personality and personality disorder over time. This kind of data collection would also be new to the study of PD, allowing Lenzenweger to once again probe uncharted territory in the field.
“This new approach, which would include genetics, will give us a much better idea of how subjects are doing as they encounter the complex things that happen further along in the course of life,” said Lenzenweger.
“This includes marriage, divorce, sickness, health, childbearing, career, unemployment, and economic challenges. A focus on these factors, both biological and social, will provide a clearer window on how personality and personality disorder changes across the lifespan, and give us a clearer insight into territory that remains largely unexplored.”
Findings are reported in the current issue of the journalDevelopment and Psychopathology.
Source: Binghamton University

NPR: Families Fight To Care For Disabled Kids At Home

A significant part of my work at Denver Options, a local non-profit, involves helping families understand what the system can offer them as their children turn 21. The flip side is what the system will no longer provide. The scales seem to tip toward the latter. This proves to be one of the most difficult aspects of my work with families. The resources we can provide to families are already few and far between. When we then tell them that things will get tougher and less will be available when their child turns 21, the effects on everyone involved can be dramatic. NPR aired a piece yesterday about one such family with a daughter facing this transition. It is far from comprehensive, but sheds light on a situation happening daily across the country. This piece illuminates the extraordinary costs, the immense and passionate love, the complexities of the public policy, and the enduring fight to find the best way to handle such delicate situations. I strongly encourage you to listen - it's inspiring, uplifting, challenging and eye-opening. And I welcome your comments. 

You can click the title below to be taken straight to the story's page:

Families Fight To Care For Disabled Kids At Home

by JOSEPH SHAPIRO, November 8, 2010

Seeds of Truth Sprout Gardens of Growth

Many of our arguments and disagreements erupt at the precise but indistinguishable moment when defensive posturing takes hold. I've written about it in the past, but the importance of that moment can't be underestimated. In that moment, we undermine our own interests for some low-value need to be right and defeat criticism. Being right doesn't win us much: we forgo understanding, intimacy, and partnership for momentary sense of victory. Victory over someone we don't even really want to defeat.

A better alternative can be pretty challenging, but endlessly rewarding. If we can avoid those, "No I didn't" moments and the "How can you say that when I just...", we can listen to our partner for helpful information, pieces of truth in otherwise tough-to-hear comments. What else do we want in that moment than to deflect the criticism and prove our partner wrong - remind him of those so many times I did exactly what you asked of me! Exactly what you accuse me now of never having done!

And then it all falls apart, and no one comes out the better. The truth is, there's a truth in there somewhere. If we can just step back, step out, let down our guard, and listen for what is useful, what is right in there, we can pick it up and grow it. Find something he said that makes sense, and use it to grow our understanding. Use it to foster partnership in our relationship. Grow collaboratively and learn how to make things better in the future. Even if we disagree, even where we saw it differently, or that perspective never even occurred to me! I can take a moment to see it from his point of view, understand how that felt to him, and do it differently it in the future.

Finding that seed of truth will reveal itself to be a treasure trove. It just takes a bit of humility and a release of the fear of criticism. It gives you a useful way to move forward, to get back to working together. It's an invitation out of the negativity. Take it and grow with it.

You can learn more about effective listening skills in "The Power of Two" by Susan Heitler and by calling me to schedule a session to build your communication skills and improve your partnership.

NPR StoryCorps - Another Great Piece

StoryCorps is regularly one of my favorite radio segments to listen to. I always feel like it's just the teaser, wishing they could just play the full recording.
They regularly move me; and this one really jumped out.
What do you think? Share your thoughts with me.

http://storycorps.org/listen/stories/showaye-selassie-and-her-friend-susan-greenfield/

And you can find their other wonderful segments, and find out how to record your own at their website here:

http://storycorps.org/

Speak about yourself, Ask about your partner, Reap the benefits.

The most frequent sign of poor communication habits I hear is something like, "My wife wants us to talk about..." Or, "I feel that my husband ignores me..."

The first phrase is a comment about the partner, using an assumption, and a cross-over: us. The speaker misses opportunities here to invite his wife to share with him, to express herself, and to support each other as individuals in partnership. Instead, he could ask, "What would you like us to discuss today?" Or, "What's on your mind today?"

The second phrase sneaks in because it sounds like it's a feeling, but it actually is a shrouded statement about the other. This partner could be more effective with a statement like, "I feel misunderstood when my husband..." Or, "When you don't let me explain myself, I feel dismissed and unimportant." Better yet, "When you're patient as I express my frustration, I feel validated and important."

So often, people make statements about other people - how they feel, how they behave, the impact this has on oneself. It is less often that I hear people make a statement about their own feelings and then ask their partner something like, "I felt overwhelmed in that conversation. What was your perception of that situation?" Or, "How did you feel when that happened? When he acts that way, I get agitated" "How would you have done that differently?" "How can I help you avoid that in the future?"

It may be easier, it may feel like second nature, it may be ingrained in us to state our perceptions and emotions as fact. This really just backfires on us. Our partners feel misheard, misunderstood, and overwhelmed when we do this. We're better served, even when we 'know' how they feel, to ask them. Let them share their version of events, their perceptions, their emotions and reactions. We can learn so much. And then, we can support them, let them know we've heard, and comfort them by just recognizing their experience.

Fall's Here: Leave the Stew in the bowl and the Love in the Air.

Fall has arrived, my favorite season: hearty stews, wool sweaters and cuddling weather. I've noticed recently that many couples struggle to enjoy the changing season because they're stuck in their old patterns with their partners. They work to find ways to keep things fresh, to get past old conflicts or resolve new ones. They find themselves mired in their habits and they become increasingly agitated. This leads to angrier responses, shorter tempers, and emotional outbursts. I know it takes practice, and life doesn't give us dress rehearsals, but just as we develop muscle memory in sports and study habits for school, we have to build healthy relationship habits. Power of Two has a great video exercise about building healthy habits for handling anger.

The first step is recognizing in yourself how you feel well before your anger boils over. For many, this is a major challenge. Some feel a heat or pressure in their temples. Some get fidgety and feel annoyed. That's the moment to hold on to. That's the feeling that is a red flag. The next step might be an angry reaction, whether it's yelling, name-calling, stomping or throwing. As we struggle to teach our young children how to manage and contain their emotions, as adults, we have to continue to practice this skill. It's so important to set a limit to how much we'll try to tolerate, before we need to take a break. Power of Two calls this an Anger Ceiling.

Check out this video. It'll give you some great pointers on identifying your Anger Ceiling and anticipating it in the future. How to recognize it and act on it, before anger overcomes you. It also walks you through excusing yourself, taking a moment to collect yourself, gather your thoughts. And most importantly, how to calm down, not stew in your rage. Remember, leave the autumnal stew in the bowl and your love in the air, shared with your partner. When you walk away, don't use that time to foster your aggravation - develop strategies, build your awareness of it - what's the root of your aggravation and how can you work through it, letting go of your anger and rage. Walking away before an outburst is not a chance to strategize against your partner, it's a chance to relieve your stress, before coming back to strategize with your partner.

This activity was created by Power of Two: online marriage help for relationship problems.

Tennessee twins, cooking with love

From NBC Nightly News
Making a Difference: For 25 years, twin sisters in Knoxville, Tennessee have stayed committed to making sure nobody in their community goes hungry. NBC's Thanh Truong reports.

NYT: Your Brain on Tech!

The NYT has an article on the impact of technology on our brains. And the necessity of down-time, disconnecting to recuperate. Take a look:

Digital Devices Deprive Brain of Needed Downtime

Dental care is not just about pearly whites! Check out this clip:

In my work at a local non-profit, many of my conversations with parents are about dental hygiene. So many parents understandably give up the struggle to get their children to brush. It's a struggle enough to get typically developing children to brush their teeth - they refuse, they tantrum, they pretend to do it. It's exhausting and frustrating. Many of the parents I work with are trying to teach children with more extreme behaviors - biting, kicking, punching - and many don't have access to dentists who are experienced in treating or willing to treat children with developmental and behavioral problems. Some parents are forced to put their children under general anesthesia every time - and many choose not to repeat it because it's such a traumatic image and experience, putting your kid under. This leads to a wicked combination: poor dental hygiene in the home and no six-month check-ups/x-rays/cleanings.

Dental hygiene is a safeguard, and without it, bacteria and disease have an open doorway to our bodies - who knew an infection in the mouth could so easily spread to the brain or blood? Many thanks to the doctors and dentists going out of their way to help out. Here's a video clip from NBC Nightly News tonight about this issue:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Well Blog asks: Are you Hooked on Tech?

An interesting follow-up to my earlier post on tech's impact on our relationships:

Well Blog asks: Are you Hooked on Tech?

"For many people, technology is not only changing the way they work and communicate, it’s changing their personality. Here are some questions that can help you determine if technology is taking a toll on you. The questions are adapted from a self-assessment test found on NetAddiction.com, developed by Kimberly Young, a professor at St. Bonaventure University in western New York State who has led research on the addictive nature of online technology."

From NPR: Experiencing Teen Drama Overload?

Here's an interesting piece I heard on NPR Monday morning.

I'd love to get your insights - have these strategies worked for you?

Experiencing Teen Drama Overload?

And here's the book they reference:

Getting To Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies For Parenting Tweens And Teens

by Laura Kastner and Jennifer Wyatt

Falling into the same old arguments? Climb your way out.

Another quick exercise from Power of Two that will help you identify some common pitfalls that lead you to think, "Not this Again!"

This activity was created by Power of Two: online marriage help for relationship problems.

Visit www.LeBauerCounseling.com to learn how my counseling practice can help you avoid these pitfalls and improve your communication skills.

"I am me, now. It’s just when I text or email, I can’t always be me."

I overheard part of a conversation recently waiting in line – a girl speaking on her cell phone:
“I am me, now. It’s just when I text, or email, I can’t always be me. But now, it’s me! I’m here, with you.”

I won't belabor that with a full deconstruction, but it got me thinking about how technology is shaping the way we handle relationships. How does technology shape our relationships in positive ways, facilitating communication and bridging gaps? Also, how does it hinder our communication and complicate our relationships? I asked for input from friends about their experiences with new technology in their relationships and put together some thoughts that follow.

In person, we rely on the intricacies of language and non-verbal cues to create an infinitely complex puzzle of messages. These are used to build and shape our interpersonal journeys. Our relationships are built on the transfer of information from one to the other, but reducing these to binary data may become detrimental, as the nuance is lost. As new technology becomes our main conduit, we have to find new ways of achieving the same subtleties. We also are adjusting to the speed at which our relationships can shift given the frequency at which we’re now communicating.

With our intimate partners, we create unique codes of nose wrinkles, gestures, the fleeting touch of a finger to his earlobe. A hand on the knee under the table reminds her you’re most attuned to her even in the company of co-workers. The lilt in your voice as you leave for the train lets him know you’ll be daydreaming of him and your upcoming vacation.

With strangers, we have regionally, culturally determined salutations of handshakes, head-nods, and colloquialisms. In NY, there may be little subtlety in letting the tourist know to get out of the fast lane on the sidewalk. Coming from North Carolina, I use “yes, ma’am” and “yes, sir” as a habit of my childhood and to let people know they’ve been heard.

With our communications being reduced into digital data, the subtlety is easily lost: sarcasm is obscured in text messaging; the sweetness of the “I miss you” email is lost to the barrage; the independence in adventure and the passion upon return may be stymied by the e-leash; the lunch partner is betrayed by the din of ring tones and vibrations rattling the stemware.

This is not to deny the brilliance of hyper-accessibility. The fact that I can text one brother for an airport pick-up, call my mother to help with the flight re-booking, and surf the internet for flight schedules is a brilliant feat. I fully embrace the power of Wikipedia to end an argument or settle a bet, as does my stepfather, though he rarely needs it. A co-worker preserves her parenting partnership and enduring love with her husband by using Skype, chat and email while he is in Afghanistan.

Beyond accessibility, technology is improving the quality of communications, as was recalled by a friend in a long-distance relationship. While the phone served as his primary tool to keep in touch, they also used IM/chat during calls to say the harder stuff they struggled to say out loud. This gave them a safer way to express their emotions. The door was then open to delve deeper when they were both comfortable.

One of my distant cousins, who I keep up with on Facebook, has embraced technology to further his passion for genealogy, teaching me how we’re related and our connection to the candle-factory-turned-historical-museum on Nantucket! Like me, he’s cold to the twitterverse, but keen on sending his wife an email, though she’s sitting in the same room with him.

Several comments I received echoed my nostalgia for the days of the unconnected. It was humorous then to see some of those same people depending on Facebook for the solutions to everyday life: “Who’s got a kid-friendly chard recipe?”

“Hey, OC peeps - I need a pick-up at LAX.”

As the culture and means of sharing changes, our socialization is swiftly evolving. With so much personal information flooding our avatars – Facebook, twitter, flickr, etc. - what is left to share with the person who gains our deepest trust? One friend commented on the culture of over-sharing and the discomfort it raises. If we cannot save the intricacies of our personalities for special moments, relationships will be as informed by a twitter feed as by conversation face-to-face.

As I develop these ideas, I invite your insights, reactions, experiences. Please comment below.

Visit my website for more information on my psychotherapy practice:
www.LeBauerCounseling.com

It Takes Two: Do Away with Posturing and Seek a Win-Win

Sometimes, we get a great idea, so sure our partner will go gaga for it, and come to find out, he's so preoccupied with something else, it's a non-starter. That first refusal comes out insulting or avoiding; we dig in, insist. He's staunch in his determination to stick to plans and get things done. And before you know it, both partners are on defensive footing, jockeying for control. And of course, a fight ensues.

"You never act spontaneously with me and we never have fun!"

"You always want me to just drop things where they are to run off with you."

"Why can't you be more flexible? I don't want our lives to be predictable and prescribed all the time!"

However the pattern is built and the conversation flows, it is so easy to get caught in this pattern of always and nevers, you can'ts and I don'ts. Before you know it, no one's doing anything they want to be doing. And, they're doing it angrily!

Rather than sticking to the same old script that leads to eruptions and festering animosity, find a way to avoid it by seeking a win-win. Identify the differing positions, talk about what the real concerns are (e.g. "I want to get these bills paid before we leave town for the weekend"), recognize each other's priorities and preferences, and think it through to see:

How can we work together to achieve both of our goals?

"Ok, I hear you are concerned about getting the bills done now. At the same time, I want to spend some QT with you and give you a treat! Is there a way for me to help you finish the bills faster? Then, I can treat you to that movie you've been hoping to see?"

"Well, if you'll address, stamp and seal, I'll do these last four and be ready to go!"

Easier said than done. The first step is recognizing the habitual landmines, those triggers of defensive posturing that lure you in. Use the exercise below to see how well you can pick up on some of the triggers, and tell me: which ones sound familiar? How can you use this in your own relationship? Come back later and let me know if it helps or not!

Partnerships are so much more rewarding when they're done collaboratively and mutually - when the animosity is done away with.

This activity was created by Power of Two: online marriage help for relationship problems.

Take a moment to self-assess: How are your relationship skills?

Take a few moments to reflect. Below you can take a short, insightful quiz that will help you look at the way you react to and interact with your partner. It will give you some new options and some basic feedback on how you're doing.

We all have room to polish our relationship skills. So take a few minutes to see where yours need honing. Call me to set up an appointment and we can delve deeper.

This activity was created by Power of Two: online marriage help for relationship problems.

Dropping the Don'ts, Doubling the Do's.

As I've written in the past, saying what you want gets you there much faster than saying what you don't want. In the same vein, saying things clearly and positively make it much easier to be heard. And your partner's more likely to respond in kind - with a clear, affirming response, even if it presents a different opinion or preference. The 'don't wants' are part of what make Negative Nancys so hard to be around - it's easy to know what they don't like, and it's frustratingly tough to find out what they're after.

Every 'don't want' disguises the real message - what you're after - and betrays your partner's chance at hearing your desire and being able to accommodate. In a way, they set you up for failure right from the start. Negative statements spew negative energy. They also give a false invitation to fix a problem: "I knew we'd get stuck in these broken seats again." It begs for your partner to fix it, but there's really no good solution. And, as a conversation starter, it's a non-starter; it only invites responses born of negativity - be it quiet resentment, defensive anger, or inauthentic sympathy. An alternative statement might be, "Next time, I'd like to be here early enough to get good seats."

The work comes in nipping them in the bud, and replacing them with a clear, positive statement that shares candidly, explicitly what your goal is, what your preference is. One of the games from the Power of Two gives a short, fun exercise on identifying problematic statements that are negative and counter-productive and those that are positive and accessible. When our language becomes more straight-forward and collaborative, our partnerships follow suit - conversations stay in the positive, are warmer and more mutual. And the pattern becomes a habit, which in turn shapes the path of the relationship.

Give the game a try. Play it more than once, get the hang of it, and see how easy it becomes to identify the trigger words of the negative phrases, and notice how much warmer and easier to 'hear' the positive statements feel. I'd love to hear your comments on the game and how you can and do apply this in your own experience.

Power of Two: Pass the Popcorn Game

You think you know your partner?

If nothing else, simple quizzes can spark ways for you to gain new insights about your relationships. They can trigger you to consider going back to the topics of initial curiosity, in the early days of your relationship, in a way getting back to basics.

Dr. John Gottman's name comes up again and again, especially after moving to Colorado, and I've come to like his work with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. In the quiz linked below, you can take five minutes to answer some yes/no questions. And then reflect, not just on your score, and not just on individual questions, but what went on in choosing your answer. Be aware - if you felt an answer immediately - obviously - or you felt drawn by obligation or maybe discomfort, shame?, to answer one way. What was that like? And, what can you do about that? Remember, it's a self-assessment, so be honest with yourself.

And then, use those new insights as triggers to new interactions with your partner, maybe even share your insights. Re-discover and re-connect on those simple items and see where it takes you.

Also, check out some of the other resources on gottman.com and let me know what you think.

http://www.gottman.com/qz1/HowWellDoYouKnowYourPartner.html

Holding On by Letting Go

We can hold on to what’s most important by letting go of the little stuff. We can improve our relationships by learning to let go of the minor details. So often it boils down to the little pieces – how things get done, when things get done. We forget we can save energy and spare anger by trusting our partner.

This is particularly important when relationships start to falter: we’re on guard, defensive, and digging in to keep control. This is, however, when we gain the most from letting go, showing our partner we trust them and believe they are capable. This opens the door for the partner to achieve and excel. A win-win. By letting go of the little pieces, we can hold on to the big ones.

A while back, I was cooking with a friend to create some dishes for a potluck. In the flurry of activity, I was feeling out of control. I tried to snatch it back by micromanaging him toasting the slivered almonds. A brilliant physician, he can handle toasting almonds – and if he failed, I forgot, it wouldn’t really matter. Eventually, he looked at me, paused, and said, “I can toast almonds, I won’t burn them. Go take care of yourself.” Not only did I lose time I should have put to my own culinary tasks, I undermined the trust we had and revealed my doubt in his ability.

Control is the goal in micromanaging: with control, we feel relaxed because our world is predictable for the moment. When we lose it, our anxiety spikes. With our world in flux, exerting control when and where we can soothes us. Unfortunately, it is self-defeating because control inherently constrains others, which inevitably leads to conflict.

Trust is an antidote to our need for control. The more we trust, the less we depend on control. Trust takes practice, like letting go of control takes practice. And that practice is difficult. When we show trust, and reap the rewards, it becomes easier the next time. Less energy is lost trying to control and suffering the imagined consequences. As trust becomes stronger, the need to control is diminished, and the mutuality of a partnership is fortified.

Just as trust must be earned, it must be given – like so much in relationships, it is a reciprocal process. The trust one shows by letting go and allowing your partner to do on his own isn’t obvious, but it is essential. We see its importance most vividly in its absence, as our partners’ confidence fades. We undermine trust by giving unsolicited directions, and ‘suggesting’ our method -- by controlling. The absence of trust is powerful and pervasive. Its toll is much greater than the cost of having something done well, if not ‘perfectly.’

This is one of those ‘wrongs’ that seems too minor to justify a ‘real’ grievance, so it often flies under the radar. It often seems ‘petty’ when we practice verbalizing it, so we let it slide. But, they fester and erode the trust and respect that form the foundation of a strong relationship. When we can let go of control and trust our partners, our partners feel empowered and reciprocally invested. We can hold on to what’s important by letting go.



You can learn to let go of control and re-build trust by calling me at 720-468-0676 to set up a free thirty-minute consultation. Read more about my practice at www.LeBauerCounseling.com

"Whow" Your Way to a Better Relationship

You can rely on two easy words to “Whow” your way to a better relationship. It just takes some effort to pick up on the way you currently ask questions, and then replace them with more effective questions. You can just shift to questions that elicit honest, open responses from your partner.

Common mistakes in questions are easy to spot and easy to discard. It’s certainly easy to know when we’ve done it, because they elicit negative responses from our partners. These mistakes are usually as simple as combining you and not. Or, you and why. (Or their partners in crime like how come, don’t, and can’t.)

These can be deadly combinations: “Why can’t you be on time?” “How come you don’t ask me for help?” “Are you going to let him talk to you like that?” You can also work to avoid qualifiers (ever, always), judgmental words (mean, rude), or hinting at the desired response (‘don’t you…?’).

These questions are heard as accusatory, provocative and attacking.

Instead of persisting with these questions that get you nowhere, try to make your questions open-ended. The two-words that make open-ended questions and invite open, thoughtful responses form the mnemonic “Whow”: What, and How. When your questions start with What and How, they show you are interested in learning and willing to listen. They show you are present to share in your partner’s experience.

“That sounded like a tense chat with your boss. How are things at work?”

“Looks like it was a rough afternoon with the kids. What was going on?”

“I feel frustrated when we’re late. What can I do to help us leave on time?”

These questions are simple and straightforward. The first sentence shows you observed your partner’s experience or offers a clear statement about your feelings. The second sentence is an invitation to your partner to share. It avoids an unanswerable question, imposing a judgment, and an angry retort. Rather than putting your partner on the defensive, questions that start with What and How provide an open, safe start to explore what’s wrong and then make things better.

You can practice these skills and learn about other small tweaks that reap big rewards by visiting Power of Two. Call Matthew LeBauer, LCSW at 720-468-0676 and visit www.LeBauerCounseling.com for help to “Whow” your way to a better relationship and lead a happier, more fulfilling life.

Preventive Counseling: like a teeth cleaning for your relationship

The New York Times’ Well Blog is one of my regular reads because it gives accessible, digestible ways to live life well. This particular entry speaks to me as it briefly explains the benefits of preventive marital counseling, for the same reasons we get dental check-ups and annual physicals. A little investment now protects our health and happiness in the future. It also mentions the benefits of acceptance therapy as an effective tool to build on communication skills. Counseling helps us develop partnership awareness and acceptance of difficult aspects of relationships.

In my practice, it is typically most pressing to get couples ‘speaking the same language.’ Often, couples wait until their toxic communication has deeply eroded their relationship. Getting them back on the same page, or even reading the same book, can be daunting as it requires recognizing and breaking old habits, then forming new ones in partnership. When the couple can speak with each other, not about each other, from their own perspective while digesting what their partner says, they can strengthen their relationship.

When couples recognize triggers that typically lead to a shouting match, they become more aware of the path. It’s a familiar one, one they habitually follow. Acceptance therapy used for couples raises awareness of these patterns and leads to new ways past conflict. They can work together to recognize and accept their feelings, their resentment and rage, rather than continuing to push them down to fester. The purpose is not to succumb to the partner’s behaviors; it’s more about letting go of the fight to change them. Couples learn what they can change and what they cannot. They learn how to improve their relationship moving forward and what they can accept – not dismissing past hurts, and not letting them erode the relationship from the recesses.

By combining communication skills training and elements of acceptance therapy, couples make great progress avoiding, or shedding, the habits that stifle. They develop new habits together to fortify their fun, exciting relationship. Couples with the foresight to start counseling before troublesome habits form and the seeds of resentment are planted can improve the quality of their current lives. They avoid mistakes in the future that may deteriorate their relationships. Those couples that wait until their relationship is unraveling have a tougher road ahead; at the same time, with some hope and optimism, they often end up saying ‘I wish I knew how to say that years ago.’

Be sure to check out some of the resources and links on the Well Blog linked here. Call me if you’re interested in learning more about pre-marital counseling, couples counseling, communication skills training and conflict resolution in Denver. You can find me at LeBauerCounseling.com or 720-468-0676.

Who seeks therapy and What for?

“Oh, I don’t care what we do for vacation. But, I don’t want to go too far… I don’t
want to just sit on the beach for a week… I don’t feel like Chinese tonight…”
“You always leave just the crumbs in the box… You never take out the garbage
before I ask.”
“I can’t find a way to make it happen… It just doesn’t get done… I’m worried he
won’t feel the same way… I’m going to look stupid if it doesn’t work out… What
will I do if they say no? I can’t afford to leave my job, and I can’t tolerate staying.”


If these statements sound familiar, you can benefit from therapy. Just learning why these statements lead to conflict and distress can help you lead a better life with happier relationships. You can learn to communicate more effectively and how to express your own opinion while respecting your partner’s opinion.
People use therapy for many reasons: growth, clarity, happiness, relief, direction, identity, communication skills, insight and understanding. If you feel tension bringing up sensitive topics with your spouse or partner, or you avoid them altogether, therapy can be helpful. If anger and fighting feel inevitable in decision-making, therapy can help you develop skills to come to mutually beneficial decisions. When people feel stuck, without options, controlled and criticized, they can use therapy to resolve the conflicts keeping them frozen.
In therapy, you can build skills alone or with your partner to resolve conflicts smoothly, enhance mutual decision-making and increase the intimacy and the support you hope for in your partnership.
Many individuals seek therapy to address symptoms of depression or anxiety, or to build confidence and develop one’s identity. Some seek therapy to resolve conflict with others or conflict they feel inside. Others seek therapy to stay on track and fine-tune the well-being they have achieved. For all of these concerns and more, I am available to work with you. If you or I feel that you would be served better by another professional, I will work with you to find the right person.
Many couples seek therapy to build communication skills early in the relationship, or when they are in or nearing crisis. With couples, my main goal is to restore a comfortable space for open communication and to build the skills needed to live well together. When couples can safely, comfortably express themselves and effectively listen to each other, they can get back to being in love and in partnership. The relationship can thrive and the partners can feel fulfilled as individuals and as a couple.
To read more, or shoot me a question, visit www.LeBauerCounseling.com