Forgiveness and Re-Shaping

One of the more difficult challenges I face with couples is forgiveness and re-shaping: how can I forgive the years of hurt and resentment? How can I re-shape the way I see my partner and his/her role in my life?
It is very easy for us to experience the hurt and invest in the anger; it is very easy for us to invest our energies in defensive and punitive responses.

It takes a higher level of motivation, of emotion regulation, and vulnerability to let go. When we can let go and re-embrace our partners, not forgetting, but moving past the hurt, we can start the process of reconciliation - forgiving and re-shaping the relationship. This is not dismissing the hurt, it's working through it, so partners hear our concerns, what actions and words led us to feel this way, and what we can do collaboratively to support each other in moving forward. It's creating a new version of our relationships based on what we've learned doesn't work, what we've learned helps us become stronger in mutuality and positive reciprocity, what we would like our relationships to become. All of this is achieved through open communication in honesty and vulnerability.

Today's Storycorps episode may serve as a wonderful example of what can be achieved through this process. I strongly recommend listening to it, no matter the condition of your relationships. It's a moving, motivating example of what forgiveness can do for us.

Collaboration with Susan Heitler

It's always a pleasure to work with my therapy colleague Susan Heitler. Through our impromptu conversations between clients, we learn with each other and explore the complexity and nuance of our work. In her blog post today, Susan illustrates a thread of several of our conversations about the levels of treatment in a Conflict Resolution model. 


"Three Levels of Conflict Resolution Treatment

Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

Jon and Julia came to therapy for help toning down their continual bickering.  Now they rarely bicker and enjoy instead a warm and loving partnership.  What does a conflict resolution therapist do that turns a couple like this from conflict to cooperation?

My therapy colleague Matthew LeBauer has terminology that I like a lot for explaining the three levels of intervention that conflict resolution treatment typically includes."

Read more at this link.

NYTimes Money Issue Addresses Financial & Legal Issues for Same-sex Couples

The NY Times recently published a clear, informative article on the disparities and challenges faced by same-sex couples pursuing the same financial and legal safeguards afforded to heterosexual couples by marriage. The article both illuminates the complexity of the challenges and gives clear tips on the process of creating a legal document semi-equivalent jigsaw, at significantly higher cost.


The Extra Hoops Gay Parents Must Jump Through

By TARA SIEGEL BERNARD

Published: March 23, 2011

Talk Therapy Aided by Pets...?

Fascinating. I'm trying to put this together, learn more about how this gets put into practice and how it gets managed in a therapeutic relationship. The possibilities seem remarkable. I welcome your input:

Easing the Way in Therapy With the Aid of an Animal

By JANE E. BRODY

Published: March 14, 2011

Surviving Adversity, Building Resilience

An interesting piece on Resilience and how our challenging experiences lead us to manage the new ones. 
NYTimes: 

On Road to Recovery, Past Adversity Provides a Map

By BENEDICT CAREY

Published: January 3, 2011

"Whatever else it holds, this new year is sure to produce a healthy serving of redemption stories, against-the-odds tales of people who bounced back from the layoffs, foreclosures and other wreckage of 2010. They landed better jobs. They started successful companies. They found time to write a book, to study animal husbandry, to learn a new trade: to generate just the sort of commentary about perseverance, self-respect and character that can tempt anyone who’s still struggling to throw things at the TV."

Puzzles to Stretch the Mind, to Distract and to Grow

Research continues to show that solving puzzles can have significant impact on our brains. I haven't seen much certainty about how they help or to what extent, but hopefully ongoing research will have more concrete answers in the near future. In the meantime, the likelihood that puzzles help us build and maintain our cognitive skills is enough for me to be intrigued. Here are some fun options from the NYTimes, or you can pick up a soduku, word search or crossword book for about $2 at your drugstore or airport overpriced bodega.

It's also a great practice to do puzzles collaboratively with a friend or partner. Rather than a competitive stance, try them in partnership. It's likely to build your empathy and compassion, test your patience (which is good), demonstrate how you can pursue collaboration well, and create a positive experience upon which you can pursue further, rewarding mutual experiences.

Let me know what you think...

"How Meditation May Change the Brain"

NYTimes' Well Blog reports on potential structural changes in the brains of those who practice meditation. 


"Researchers report that those who meditated for about 30 minutes a day for eight weeks had measurable changes in gray-matter density in parts of the brain associated with memory, sense of self, empathy and stress."


"M.R.I. brain scans taken before and after the participants’ meditation regimen found increased gray matter in the hippocampus, an area important for learning and memory. The images also showed a reduction of gray matter in the amygdala, a region connected to anxiety and stress. A control group that did not practice meditation showed no such changes."