Enduring Love Doesn't Just Happen

Enduring Love Doesn't Just Happen. You'll have to work for it to last.

So we're reminded by Jane Brody's recent post on the NYT Well blog:

That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work

Studies by Richard E. Lucas and colleagues at Michigan State University have shown that the happiness boost that occurs with marriage lasts only about two years, after which people revert to their former levels of happiness — or unhappiness. 

Infatuation and passion have even shorter life spans, and must evolve into “companionate love, composed more of deep affection, connection and liking,” according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. 

She points out that the natural human tendency to become “habituated” to positive circumstances — to get so used to things that make us feel good that they no longer do — can be the death knell of marital happiness. Psychologists call it “hedonic adaptation”: things that thrill us tend to be short-lived."

Brody briefly illuminates the importance of Building Companionship with your partner to endure well past the infatuation has faded and partner-life feels mundane.

Appreciation, and the proactive demonstration of Gratitude, even for the little things is an essential, free, high-impact way to further develop the positive rapport and emotional investment with your partner. Start by giving more simple, explicit messages of things your partner does for you that you appreciate. A fleeting comment that shows your gratitude for your partner's actions, something as simple as taking your plate, reminding you to run an errand, anticipating your empty glass of wine, will all deepen the positive regard.

Brody mentions Variety & Novelty as tools to embolden the relationship and prevent it from turning stale. A banjo lesson? A painting class? A zumba class together, and the resulting laughter! (Here, find a zumba class in your area at this link or google "free activities and [your zip code]" or "recreation center classes and [your zip code]" then email that link to your partner.)

When we encounter new activities, step outside our comfort zones, explore new territory together, we're drawn to each other, our brains are activated, excited, and we're left with a positive, exciting memory to return to and to build upon.

Positive Touching & Loving Speech: "Even a marriage that has been marred by negative, angry or hurtful remarks can often be rescued by filling the home with words and actions that elicit positive emotions, psychology research has shown." From Thich Nhat Hanh: "Reconciliation is a deep practice that we can do with our listening and our mindful speech. ... In order to reconcile, you have to possess the art of deep listening, and you also have to master the art of loving speech. You have to refrain from aligning yourself with one party so that you are able to understand both parties. This is a difficult practice."

This means in service to repairing and rebuilding a relationship, we have to let go of our positions, setting the emotional allegiance to our hurt and anger aside, and come to our partner with intention to reconcile and love.

In an interview with Oprah, Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of mantras for loving speech and presence to contribute to enduring relationships: ""Darling, I'm here for you." When you love someone, the best you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? ... You look into their eyes and you say, "Darling, you know something? I'm here for you." You offer him or her your presence. You are not preoccupied with the past or the future; you are there for your beloved. The second mantra is, "Darling, I know you are there and I am so happy." Because you are fully there, you recognize the presence of your beloved as something very precious. You embrace your beloved with mindfulness. And he or she will bloom like a flower. To be loved means to be recognized as existing. And these two mantras can bring happiness right away...."

David Schnarch gives Six Tips for Creating a More Passionate Relationship, including a description of his exercise, Hugging till Relaxed, a way to come together in meaningful, positive, non-sexual touch that re-establishes connection with one's partner while reinforcing healthy differentiation as individual loving partners:

Try Hugging 'till Relaxed. Here's a terrific was to get more in touch with your partner while also getting a better grip on yourself. It turns a simple hug into a window into your relationship and a way to improve it. Prepare yourself by taking a few minutes to slow down, relax, and slow your heart rate. Then stand facing your partner a few feet away. Get a balanced, well-grounded stance over your own two feet. Close your eyes, take a breath, and relax again. Open your eyes, and when the two of you are ready, shuffle forward without loosing your relaxed balanced position, so that you have one foot between your partner's feet. Get close enough that you can easily put your arms around your partner without feeling off balance, or pulling or pushing your partner off-balance either. Shift your stance or position as needed to be physically comfortable. Let yourself relax into the hug and remember to breathe. Lots of feelings about your partner, your relationship and yourself are bound to surface. Note your resistances but don't give into them. Afterwards, talk about the experience with your partner. It often takes several months of practice, several times a week, but you'll be amazed by the many improvements this brings. Hugging 'till Relaxed is fully described in the book Passionate Marriage.

5:1 Brody continues her post with the importance of pursuing a better ratio of positive to negative emotions: "Dr. Lyubomirsky reports that happily married couples average five positive verbal and emotional expressions toward one another for every negative expression, but “very unhappy couples display ratios of less than one to one.”"

The article then suggests asking yourself “What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner’s life better?” To help yourself remember, consider setting yourself a recurring event on your calendar, maybe right before lunch, and set a plan if need be to hold yourself accountable. One secret she doesn't get to is that it need not take a whole five minutes to reach out, show compassion, offer loving speech and heartfelt kindness to improve the ratio and your relationship for the long haul.

Enduring love doesn't just happen. It requires small gestures daily, from the beginning and into the future.

Exercise to Moderate Your Appetite

The Appetite Workout By GRETCHEN REYNOLDS

"Their restraint, the researchers said, was due to a concomitant increase in other hormones that initiate satiety. These hormones, only recently discovered and still not well understood, tell the body that it has taken in enough fuel; it can stop eating. The augmented levels of the satiety hormones, the authors write, “muted” the message from ghrelin. Sitting and, notably, walking did not change the blood levels of the women’s satiety hormones, and the walkers overate, consuming more calories at the buffet than they had burned.

A related study published in December looked at the effects of moderate exercise, the equivalent of brisk jogging. It found that after 12 weeks, formerly sedentary, overweight men and women began recognizing, without consciously knowing it, that they should not overeat."

Read the rest here.

"Please Don't Help My Kids"

Please Don't Help My Kids by Kate Bassford Baker

"Dear Other Parents At The Park:

Please do not lift my daughters to the top of the ladder, especially after you've just heard me tell them I wasn't going to do it for them and encourage them to try it themselves.

I am not sitting here, 15 whole feet away from my kids, because I am too lazy to get up. I am sitting here because I didn't bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves." 

You can read the rest by clicking the link above or here. 

This reminds me of a few other books I've read and/or have been recommended on parenting for resilience and self-efficacy: 

The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children by Wendy Mogel

Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings by Kenneth R. Ginsburg MD MSEd FAAP

How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character by Paul Tough

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

Dr. Susan Heitler, TherapyHelp.com

A new promotional video for my colleague Dr. Susan Heitler.

Help Break Down the Stigma Around Therapy

This collection of secrets is sad to read. So many unfulfilled lives and unmet needs. If therapy wasn't assigned the stigma it now carries, many of these people would benefit much from the experience. Please help tear down the stigma around therapy so those who need it, the seemingly confident and secretly depressed, the seemingly straight and secretly gay, the seemingly vanilla and secretly kinky stuck in a void of unexplored opportunities for freedom & growth can get the help and support they need.

Resources for Speaking with Children about Tragedy & Violence

Here are some curated Resources for Speaking with Children about Tragedy & Violence from Dr. Brene Brown, a researcher and professor on vulnerability and courage.

If you haven't seen her Ted talks, take the time by clicking here.

Noah St. John's winning story at Snap Judgment

Shame On You: Leave It Behind

Brene Brown, Ph.D. has become one of my favorite lecturers and writers on the human condition. Her work on vulnerability and shame is powerful and accessible. You can see her TED profile & talks here.

In this short clip, a part of a longer interview you can connect to here, Dr. Brown discusses the nature of shame and its dangerous implications on human development. 

She discusses how shame can be at the root of anti-social behavior (violence and bullying) partly because messages of shame are about the self. She differentiates Shame from Guilt, often a positive experience and motivator to remorse and growth, by noting that guilt is about behavior (bad things I've done) rather than about the self (I am a bad person, thus worthy of shame). Shame is disconnecting and corrosive; guilt is motivating to foster re-connection.

She goes on to discuss how "connection gives purpose and meaning to life." She puts Shame & Empathy on opposite ends of a spectrum of Connectivity. When one is fully and well connected to others, one can feel empathy and receive empathy. One can use this experience to find resiliency in vulnerability to pursue positive change. When one experiences shame, especially in their vulnerability, they are less likely to benefit from connective empathy - they may be more disconnected and act out more negatively. 

When we explore how we react when feeling vulnerable, we can anticipate our behaviors and what impacts they have on us. Do we retreat, become defensive or bombastic? When we understand our vulnerability and can sit in it, can reside in its uncertainty, and remain strong in our selves, we can pursue connection and support to fortify our resilience. Connection with others, with a comfort in vulnerability, empowers us to positive change and growth. 

Are Monogamous Relationships Really Better? Science scrutinizes monogamy

Psychology Today's website offers lots of good reading. I've posted some of Susan Heitler's blog here before. 

Recently, a friend introduced me to another blogger, Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. Her blog Living Single discusses "the truth about singles in our society." Recently, she's offered several short pieces on consensual non-monogamous relationships. 

Are Monogamous Relationships Really Better? Science scrutinizes monogamy

Here's a background point that caught my eye in this post: 

"My dog in this fight.

My dog is the one that isn’t keeping everyone awake and annoyed with its barking. I think contemporary American society has gotten carried away with its insistence that there is a right way to engage in sex (have lots of it, with just one person – or just one at a time). I think we should recognize that all sorts of approaches to sex (including asexuality and CNM) can be just fine for some people, and we should not keep trying to make everyone act and feel the same way. (This is not an endorsement of hurtful sex, of course.)

My other dog is science. If we (royal we) are going to proclaim that one kind of sex is best, then my answer to that is: Show me the data."

More topically, I've found in my practice that the success of a relationship boils down to emotional maturity and capacity for self-awareness in the context of the relationship. For example, the successful non-monogamous client dyads I've seen demonstrate one common trait: self-awareness of jealousy. These partners were self-aware and/or developed self-awareness of their experience of jealousy. They were able to explore this emotion as part of their relationship, manage it and validate it. Rather than denying it, they wrestled with the power of jealousy and it became informative and useful in their efforts to strengthen their non-monogamous relationship. In some cases, the jealousy was revivifying for the couple, reigniting their bond, their sexual tension, thanks to their capacity to speak of it and explore it authentically. 

Dr. DePaulo discusses Jealousy in relationships in her next post here:

"Now, on to jealousy. In studies of people’s beliefs, evidence is strong and consistent that people think that monogamy comes with less jealousy. As for what actually happens, the evidence tells a different story.

• “…levels of jealousy were actually lower for those in CNM relationships than in a monogamous sample.”
• About CNM relationships: “jealousy is more manageable in these relationships than in monogamous relationships and is experienced less noxiously.”"

As David Schnarch discusses in "Passionate Marriage," another important aspect in any relationship is self-validation. When partners can validate themselves in the context of a relationship, not depending on their partner for meaning and purpose, there is more healthy inter-dependence and less co-dependence. In non-dyadic partnerships (more than two people), this self-validation seems even more pressing a milestone to achieve to ensure that the image and experience of one's partner sharing experiences with a third is not insulting and assaultive to the self. With established self-validation, the other's experience outside the dyad is complementary rather than invasive, especially when the couple can discuss it openly within their agreed upon comfort zone of revealing details. The extra-dyadic experiences can be integrated positively as ways in which partners explore themselves, foster themselves, and come back to the primary partner stronger and more fulfilled. 

To be clear, this kind of process requires a very strong primary partnership, built on trust, clear expectations and open communication. Much of my work has focused on helping couples develop that relational maturity and even navigate how and when an extra-dyadic relationship may be healthy and appropriate for them. Clearly, this process is unique for each partnership.  

How to read our fears: Karen Thompson Walker at TEDGlobal 2012

Brighten Your Day with a Giggling Ringtone

I recently participated in a project with mystrength.com, a web app that provides resources and services for well being and mental health. Above is one of my short video tips they use and that I can share with you. I'd love to hear from you about this idea.

You can find me at my website or on Facebook.

NYT: A Father’s Journey By FRANK BRUNI

Wherein Frank Bruni discusses the courage he found to open up to his father and the courage his father found, through deliberation and reflection, to see his son for all that he is.

"FOR a long while, my father’s way of coping was to walk quietly from the room. He doesn’t remember this. I do. I can still see it, still feel the pinch in my chest when the word “gay” came up — perhaps in reference to some event in the news, or perhaps in reference to me — and he’d wordlessly take his leave of whatever conversation my mother and my siblings and I were having. He’d drift away, not in disgust but in discomfort, not in a huff but in a whisper. I saw a lot of his back."

Click here for the full article.