How to Lose & Not Feel Defeated

Ashley Merryman chimed in again recently in a NYTimes Op-Ed proclaiming "Losing Is Good For You" to continue dispelling the myths of "everyone's a winner." She spreads the good word about the power of losing to teach persistence and resilience.

"Awards can be powerful motivators, but nonstop recognition does not inspire children to succeed. Instead, it can cause them to underachieve." When children are praised for their "innate" abilities, traits over which they have no control, they tend to get flustered by difficulty, and are more likely to cheat than persevere and risk failure. When they are commended for their efforts and given feedback on skills they can grow, they're more likely to develop a sense of agency, of power to enhance their skills through persistence. 

"I could see you tried different ways to solve that math problem" becomes their inner voice of reward for contemplating, considering, trying, failing, and trying again. "I could see how hard you worked to support your teammate even when you didn't have the ball." We all build behavioral muscles (like willpower, persistence) in the brain with a mental workout like physical exercise builds muscles in our arms and legs.

When feedback is concrete ("I could see you were considering where to dribble around the defense"), specific ("when you lost the ball, you kept running to support your teammates") and future-oriented ("we can practice your ball-handling so the ball will go where you want it to"), your child is more likely to keep at it, and less likely to give up. With this kind of feedback, your child might lose a game but your child need not feel defeated.

Merryman writes, "If I were a baseball coach, I would announce at the first meeting that there would be only three awards: Best Overall, Most Improved and Best Sportsmanship. Then I’d hand the kids a list of things they’d have to do to earn one of those trophies. They would know from the get-go that excellence, improvement, character and persistence were valued."

Outlining expectations is essential. Giving clear, explicit goals, milestones and markers for children to pursue is golden. And doing so ahead of time, before the activity starts, each time the activity starts, primes them for achievement. They know what opportunities to look for, what behaviors to strive for. They'll remember what didn't pan out last time with some constructive review and positive reminders. They'll go for it again knowing they've got the skills to practice and eventually achieve.

Good Connection: The Key to Good Therapy

My colleague, Kendra Doukas, LMFT, recently wrote an excellent blog post on unconditional positive regard as an essential element to establish a good connection, or a "goodness of fit" with clients. She writes beautifully about the capacity to bear witness to clients in their distress and establish a connection without judgment. When a therapist can truly be with a client, see them as whole and worthy and good even through self-defeating behaviors, the client senses the positive regard and feels seen, heard and held.

When this quality of connection is established, therapy can be highly effective. And, as Kendra rightly points out, the therapist will have legitimacy and position to call into consideration, in collaboration with the client, the behaviors and choices that may lead to recurring difficulties. In that safe space, they can begin to uncover the motivations & the root causes of the client's challenges. They can find paths forward through new choices, new behaviors. In partnership, the two can find ways for the client to take responsibility for their path forward (different than 'taking blame' for the past, a wholly unhealthy practice) and monitor progress over time.

Do you have experience with building a solid connection with your therapist or with your clients? What has worked well for you? Any advice you could share for others? Comment here, or @FindYourMarbles or Facebook.com/lebauercounseling

Awesome feedback: Creating Change in a Safe Space

I recently received some awesome feedback from a former client (shared with permission): "The space you create in your office was very helpful to me and the time we spent together has traveled with me far past those walls. I am inspired by what change can be created in that environment." When you want to create change in a safe space, come to LeBauer Counseling. www.lebauercounseling.com

Epic Parenting through the Fireworks

Now this is epic parenting! And the easiest way to a smile you'll find! This dad's attunement to his daughter's timing is astonishing. Note his awareness of her mind wandering back to the fireworks; he is honest with her, straightforward, and keeps bringing her back into the song. And notice, dad even ducks his head behind his daughter to keep the camera's focus on her face. How wonderful to have a song so well practiced, so well explored that his daughter can sing it in different voices and let it really shine. 

Tonight You Belong to Me

What are your habits for happiness?

You might have seen the HuffPost article, The Habits of Supremely Happy People, circulated. You can read it here.

So, which of these habits do you have? Here are some of my thoughts:

With some intense work over the past few years, I've managed to make 20 of these 21 pretty standard parts of my life. I'm glad to report the effort is paying off. The Boulder Center For Conscious Community (BC3) helped me in recent months gain a clarity and perspective on how to identify and embrace the happiness. I continue to work on the Spiritual piece. The Judaism Your Way High Holiday services with Caryn Aviv were meaningful and moving - an important step on finding the spiritual experience. I do my giving and find meaning and engagement in part through my work with cityWILD. To say I surround myself with happy (and fun and funny) people is an understatement. Gratitude and appreciation are practices made explicit throughout my day, for the seemingly mundane, the passing interaction, and the profound opportunities. Appreciation is also a go-to strategy for moving out of reactive brain into creative brain where positivity and abundance reside. Resilience is a tough one - it's a muscle that takes work to tone, and atrophies when forgotten. There's no greater experience in which I find flow than my work, helping people navigate their own paths to fulfillment and bliss. Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings can attest to my love of music and dancing around, letting the spirit take me. That might be my most spiritual experience. What better way to unplug than scuba diving and meditating underwater on Bonaire with Ben Yaffe? Colorado's about the easiest place to find reasons and means to get outside and get the blood flowing. Afternoon naps are my specialty - no longer than 30 minutes. If I were going to posit ideas to be studied as part of this list, I'd suggest vulnerability (Brené Brown) and humility and openness to learning from/with others. What are the ways you incorporate these 21 habits into your life? What are new strategies you can try to incorporate even more? Any fun strategies you're willing to share with others wanting to learn?

Chips and chocolate in the pantry can make for good parenting!

What does it mean to be a great parent? It doesn't mean loving every minute of it. Take it from a dad of 3 boys: 

Let Me Be the One Who Says It Out Loud

 

 

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Contact Matthew LeBauer, LCSW to find the support you need, for individual or couples counseling, to navigate your relationships or the challenges that come up in life.  

Find Your Happy Place at LeBauer Counseling

Whether you're looking for individual or couples counseling, dealing with conflict and communication issues, or need help transitioning back to school and the Fall, LeBauer Counseling can help. I help people identify the issues that are holding them back, interfering with their happiness, causing conflict in their relationships, and then work with them to overcome those challenges. I help clients understand how they got where they are, what contributed to the situation, and find paths through it. Clients find a comfortable, supportive space in which to explore how they can get where they want to be. What are the small action steps they can take that will add up to real change. I help clients when life is easier said than done to get back to the doing; I help them make the life they want to live. www.lebauercounseling.com My office is located near Colorado Blvd and Alameda, near Cherry Creek Mall, in Glendale.